Worth Their Weight
I remember
The raw pain
And the emptiness
That stretched along
The years…
I used to wish
I had never known you,
Though now
I am grateful
You found a way,
To show me
I’m not alone…
Gave me a love
To curl into
When everything else
Falls away.
I would rather have this
Passion and longing,
Darkness and light
Intertwined-
Than the absence,
The vacuous abyss…
The substance to crave
In the emptiness of
This fucked up world,
Companionship and love
Are worth
Their weight in pain.
Everything I Can’t Say
Darkness,
Our rise,
And our downfall.
How many times
Have we met here?
Whispered,
Screamed,
Touched,
Held…
You don’t want to stay,
And I don’t blame you.
My heart still reaches for you,
I think it always will,
You were always
There for me
In the dark…
I will always wonder
Why we keep ending up
Here,
When all I feel
Is the empty,
The longing,
Stretching forever,
And your back
Walking away…
I feel-
Left with nothing,
And everything
I can’t say…
~Antanya
Fatally Futile
I can still feel you,
And I don’t know
What I should do.
My heart calls for you,
But that hasn’t
Brought me to you.
The years and the tears
Have been for naught,
Though they have taught
Me some hard truths,
Still, no closer to you.
If you wonder why
I have fallen silent,
I have realized how futile
It truly is
To scream for what
Is not mine.
To wait, though I still do,
Is a waste of our time…
I hope you have found
A better use
For yours,
Than I have for mine.
I hope that you find
What you’ve been searching for
In your heart, your soul, your mind.
~Antanya
Where
I never wanted to leave.
It’s been hard to believe…
I had no solace or reprieve,
I never wanted to leave.
I didn’t want you to go.
In some way, you know…
The pain forced us to grow,
I didn’t want you to go.
I still feel you near.
Even through all the fear…
My love for you in every tear,
I still feel you near.
Where should we run?
Still longing to be one…
Hand in hand, toward the sun,
Where should we run?
~Antanya
Our Place
Some nights,
Laying in the dark-
I can feel you reaching,
Your warmth caressing,
Sharing the same space,
Our place we have made-
In the midnight dark,
My soul longs,
And my heart aches-
Still torn apart.
~Antanya
Unsaid, Unheard
Suffering still silently
When words won’t work
Tears tear through thoughts
Unheard, undisclosed, unknown
When words won’t work…
~Antanya
Whispers of Intimacy
I hear whispers of spirit-
Calling on the Spring wind,
Howling my name…
Caressing my ears teasingly,
Trailing tingling fingers on my throat,
Swirling through tendrils
Of my long hair,
Wrapping warmth around
My shivering soul…
Sending my love in pure energy,
Feeling the harmony of our synergy…
You’re so far, but so close to me,
Still… My most intimate fantasy.
~Antanya
Illusion
Always reaching,
Never touching
Always longing,
Never holding
Bittersweet illusion,
The lie that feeds
My delusion…
Our (dis)taste for truth
Leaves me in confusion.
~Antanya
Silent
I don’t know what is worse-
Shedding silent tears
Or lending voice to the fears…
I don’t want to hurt you
Or make you ache
In this horrible way…
Your gravity grips me,
And I can’t pull away.
I’m lost and found
In those moments,
Knowing I may never be
What you need…
Knowing-
You’re everything to me.
~Antanya
Oblivion
I think maybe
You mistake me,
Think I can’t see
Or feel you…
I may not speak,
But, I feel you
Watching me,
Chiding me,
For my silence…
Is there depth
To the dependence,
Is it addiction
To aesthetic,
Or am I the event horizon,
The point that terrifies…
The endless questions staggering,
Spiraling in and out…
Shattering in Oblivion.
~Antanya
Lonely (Because of Me)
I want to talk to you,
But I don’t want
My stress to rub off on you,
To seem needy,
Or (worse) greedy.
I don’t want to use you,
Or to hurt you,
I want everything I say
To be true,
So I stay away
When I need you the most…
Both haunted and comforted
By our love’s ghost.
~Antanya
Voice in the Void
I don’t like the space
Where loneliness leaves me.
I like to be alone,
But not lonely…
The screams are too loud
With no one’s voice to calm them,
And my throat hurts too bad to sing…
Do you have a voice strong enough
To harmonize with my demons,
To lend them a sentimental ring?
~Antanya
Pretending
I pretend
That I am afraid
To make this real,
But, in my heart it is…
Maybe I’m not pretending…
~Antanya
Magnolia Moon
Do you see me,
Dancing under the magnolia tree?
Waiting for the moon and stars,
Feeling free…
I hear your whispers,
Enchanting me…
Love is still ours,
Come and see…
💜
~Antanya
No Reality
It’s strange,
How I feel uneasy
When you settle into me
So easily…
It’s such a paradox,
I know
There is no reality
When I feel like, “We”.
I can’t help it,
It’s where I long to be…
Close to you,
One with me.
~Antanya
You Understand?
Yeah, it’s me
It’s you, too.
I don’t know
Why you act like someone else,
When all I want is you.
You tell me you understand,
I can’t help but doubt,
When you won’t touch my hand,
Or even hear me out…
~Antanya
Fuck Logic
You bring me:
A feral joy,
A determinate hunger,
A terrific tension,
A passionate purpose…
An irrational inspiration
That I can’t ignore.
No matter the struggle,
You are the one-
I long for,
Fight for,
Adore.
❤
~Antanya
4:00 AM
4:00 AM, awake again…
I know why.
I close my eyes,
And it’s like…
I can feel your heat against my thighs,
Can you hear my whispers and sighs?
Do you feel my fingertips,
Your soul embracing mine…
Our hearts intertwine,
The deepest bliss, for you, to find-
Over and over again in my mind…
~Antanya
Cold Too Long
Throat hoarse from screaming,
Voice failing,
Falling to the floor…
Too weak to knock,
Praying, hoping
You will open the door…
Want
I want to hold you
The way I do in my heart.
I want to disassemble the distance
That keeps tearing us apart.
I want to show you
The depth of my love for you,
I don’t know how, or where to start.
Thankful for Longing
I am grateful for love,
The connection I can’t let go of.
I am thankful for belonging, (with you)
The reason my heart keeps longing. (for you)
I have gratitude for you,
Even if you don’t believe me, it’s true.
Even if I can’t be with you,
I still want to.
~Antanya
Cold Wall
Sometimes, when I am cold,
I trace the cracks in the wall between us…
I lay my cheek against rough stone
Eroded from so many years of-
Our pounding,
Our screaming,
Our scratching…
I imagine myself changing state,
Seeping through the tiny cracks
Only to meet your skin,
To touch your warmth,
To not feel alone…
I feel you on the other side,
I know you are hurting too,
And I want to (need to) be against you,
Not this cold wall.
My cold turns wet and lonely,
Soaked in tears I can’t shed.
Shivering, hugging myself in the corner
Inside my head.
~Antanya
Through the Fog poetry 