Dreams & Delusions…

Archive for August, 2014

Protection, Redemption (Magic Madness pt. 5)

I’m awake again-
He’s screaming
And I can’t save him
He says he doesn’t know
When I ask
What’s wrong?
Oh, but I know…
These pains in me
Are seeping into him
He’s feeling my jagged edges
Pushed into him like glass
My demons haunt him
As if they were his own
He can’t deal
With darkness he’s never known
This pain I can’t share
Is breaking his mind
If I could protect him
It would be my redemption
But I don’t know how
I’d do anything
If I knew
That it would lead me
Back to you
But I don’t know
What to do
I can’t find you…
I’m selfish and weak
I can’t bring myself to speak
I remember a companion,
Strong and true
But I can’t be close to you
…And I don’t know what to do…
Do you?

~Antanya


Moments of Lucidity

I haven’t been breaking…
(Just breaking out)
I’ve never been faking…
(Just feeling doubt)
I’m afraid, you see…
(Scared you’re not real)
Love is calling me…
(Scared I can’t feel)
I’ve been locked…
(Trying to survive)
Feeling blocked…
(Not sure I’m alive)

I thought I could just block out
The love, the longing, and the doubt
But then I realized
That I was keeping myself from feeling alive
Dying for the need to survive
Sacrificing my identity
To care for everyone around me
But the thought of you awakens me
…And I’m tired of blocking you out
In these moments of lucidity
All I want is you to tell me…
Why won’t you tell me?
Tell me to fuck off
Tell me to stay
Tell me what you want…
Because I can’t let go
…Not until I know…

~Antanya


Raised by Ghosts (Magic Madness pt. 4)

I’ve been haunted
As long as I remember
I was raised by ghosts
You see
They are simply
Part of me
I want to be free
From their clutches on me
So I delve deeper,
Aim higher
Push harder
Ban the blindness
So I can see…
So I can love freely…

~Antanya


Sensitivities (Magic Madness pt. 3)

The veil
Has always been thin
In me
Sometimes the dead
Touch me
Dark spirits hover
Tendrils of thought
Devour
My light
I’m paralyzed
They always said
I’ve been sensitive
But do they know
The half of it?
Do you know where
Anxiety lies?
Have you felt the source?
Have you touched dark desires
Knowing they are not your own?
Have you been bound
In darkness
Not able to scream?
Have you had dreams
Nightmares
That turned out true?
Intuition itches
Inside
I rage
I feel the torment
I know my guardians
Are gone.
Time to be my own.
The time has come-
Consume
Or
Be
Consumed.
To protect everyone
I love
Before it’s too late.

~Antanya


Dark Talents (Magic Madness pt. 2)

I hear the knocking
The demons
Are breaking
The door
I’m pressed against
The opposite wall
I feel them
Sniffing
Me
Out
I need to
Make a decision-
Break out
And run
Be exposed
But still pure
Or open the door
Invite them in
Lay with them
Fuck the secrets
Out of these
Dark corners
Dance with the desires
That I’ve always feared
This madness
Threatens everything
I hold sacred
I’m glad you only get glimpses
Because the whole picture
Would shock you
Would break your mind
I’m more than you think
More than I want to be
I have talents
No one sees
That scare me
You can’t save me
I need to save you
From me.

~Antanya


Magic Madness

I feel myself sinking
Into depths I once avoided
Darkness envelops me
I feel desires and truths
That are not mine
Secrets are becoming
Real again
Half-heard whispers
Make me shiver
I look into your eyes
While you hold me
I feel dark energy
Pouring from me
Into you
I see my own madness
In your irises
I want to scream
I want to flail
But I kiss you
Long and slow
You say, under your breath…
“You have magic, when you know how to use it.”
All at once
My heart is a thousand icy needles
You voice my fear
So easily
I want to scream
I want to flail
I want to break the world
I want to burn in my mind
I want to apologize
For not knowing
How to use it
For being afraid
That I will break you
That I will break us both
But I hold you to me
And cry silently
Into your chest
I won’t give
Myself away
I just hope
We can survive this…

~Antanya


See It Too

This is just so beautiful…

loveletterstoaghost

We are drops of sand
formed in the hidden galaxies
of our hearts.
I was yours,
you were mine,
and we counted time
with our heartbeats.
Your pulse still vibrates
under my skin,
your fingers
tracing my shape,
folding me up
inside your
eyes,
hands,
mind.
Point your
eyes skyward
towards the moon,
I know you see it too,
and the night carries us closer.
They will always be the
same stars,
same sky,
same moon.
The same beach sand
and our hands entwined.
Take me
to your favorite place,
your family,
your heart.
Take me with you
when you’re
happy or sad.
Just don’t forget
to take me with you
when you go.

***

Twitter mash up precedes. 🙂

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Butterfly Free

I’ve broken free-
It feels amazing
I’ve been a rock
For so long
It feels good to be
A butterfly again
Iridescent wings
Light as a feather
Flying ever higher
No longer contained
The false falls away
My inner eyes see
Beautiful
Free
Me.

~Antanya


Finding Peace…

Through the Fog poetry

Finding peace
Was all too hard…
Before I realized
It comes from within…

How can I be myself…

If I can’t stand my imperfections?
If I can’t laugh at my own insanity?
If I can’t rise above when I need to?
If I can’t shake myself from this dream of needing you?

Finding peace
Was not so hard…
Once I realized
It comes from within…

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My Sacrament

Through the Fog poetry

I stand ready to fight,
I trust only my soul…
While followers weep,
Faith keeps me whole…
Spirituality over religion,
My inspiration comes from above…
Following my intuition,
My sacrament is love…

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Balance on the Brink

Through the Fog poetry

A single butterfly
Balanced on the brink
Ardent abyss below
Searing sun above
It would be so easy…

To plunge with
Wings of impatience
To dive into uncertainty
And be driven under
Gossamer wings
Caressed, consumed
By black flames

Though this soul
Longs for more
Feels the light
Though it is diluted
By the darkest grey…

A single butterfly
Balanced on the brink
Ardent abyss below
Searing sun above
It will be so hard…

To flutter on
Wings of faith
To soar into destiny
And be lifted above
Gossamer wings
Refined, remade
By white light

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Remade…

I’m feeling a bit spiritual today… 😉

Through the Fog poetry

I’m still intact…
Though, I’ve been slow to react,
I know what awaits,
Though, I won’t relate.
There is no denying,
this world has been lying…

Tide turns,
heart burns,
mind learns,
soul yearns…

I feel dreams remade,
As insecurities fade…
…Here, in dappled light and shade…

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White Wolf

I was raised to be a sheep
A part of the flock
Tragedy ripped away
Blind faith
Left me on my own
As innocence fell away
I saw sin in the shepherd’s eyes
I still gaze at the flock,
They still bleat at me
I recognize my hunger,
Raised to be a sheep,
But my inner wolf howls
When I remember the lies
Growls and snarls
When the flock knocks-
Leave me alone
Before I show you
Who I really am.
Change the subject
Before my feral desires
Take me over…
Us wolves,
We don’t want to hurt anyone
But will if we must.
There is no salve
For broken trust.
Your judgement saves no one
Leave me alone.
I believe in what has shown to be true
I refuse to blindly believe you.
Spirituality lifted my soul
When religion left my mind
I won’t feed your black hole
I have love & light to find.

~Antanya


Silence

I need silence.
Let me clear
My thoughts
In the absence
Of sound
Let the quiet
Melt into my heart
Until the screams
In my head
Are muffled by
My own heartbeat
Counting the breaths
As I drift
Leave my body
For a moment
Or two
Just long enough
To not think,
Not do…

~Antanya


Something Burning

I smell something burning…
Maybe it’s my mind, immolating in this madness
Maybe it’s my heart, dispelling what’s left of sadness
Maybe it’s my soul, clawing out of depression
Maybe it’s my love, teasing and taunting- obsession.

~Antanya


Love and Grace

I’m sorry-
Sometimes I lose sight
When my heart bleeds
In the dead of night.
I push you away
Because I know you can’t stay.

I’m trying to heal this insanity
Before it takes
What’s left of me.
I promise I’ll try
When I’m screaming inside…

When I feel alone,
I think of you
I smile,
Knowing it’s not true.
How could I be alone,
When there is always you…

I love the way I feel
When I remember you,
I feel my spirit heal
My heart beats true…

Is it okay for me to feel whole,
Because I feel you in my soul?
There is always a place
Where I imagine your face,
I fall into that warm space…
I remember Love and Grace.

~Antanya


The Raven, The Butterfly, The Wolf

I know I’ve been wrong,
I’ve hidden for too long.
Sometimes the pain
Blurs my eyes,
All I see is
My own demise…
I have more than
I could ever ask for…
Though, I keep knocking on
That same hidden door…

Sometimes I’m not really sure
Who I’m looking at in the mirror.
Is it the Raven, the Butterfly, or the Wolf?
They are all me, I can’t deny.

My colors shift-
From Black to Iridescent,
And back again.
I pierce, I tear, I deceive.
I caw, I howl, I flutter.

My identity shimmers
Like heat
Like smoke
Like rain…

I’m coming back in fragments-
In filaments of light,
Bursting through sight…
In sparks of electricity,
Shattering through me…

~Antanya


Chaos with no Support

This chaos is drowning me…
So many thoughts,
I can’t pick through them all-
My brain is
On shuffle
When I need to focus,
On repeat
When I need
To escape this.
When I start to scream,
You cover your ears.
How can you support me
Without listening to my fears?
You promised you would,
But were you sure you could?
You’re alienating me,
At least when I’m alone I’m free.
You hear what you don’t want to,
Then you tell me-
What to do,
How to feel…
Excuse me,
I’m a person,
I’m real,
I feel…

~Antanya


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I have now crested 200 followers…  Thank you so much!

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It Keeps

The Silence-
It keeps torturing me…
(Let me hear you.)
The Longing-
It keeps executing me…
(Let me hold you.)
The Love-
It keeps resurrecting me…
(I’m still yours.)

~Antanya


Memory, Insanity

Yesterday-
My mind was darkened
A vast, cold labyrinth
With you at the center.
I couldn’t escape
I felt trapped
In memory.

Today-
My mind is a bit lighter
A cool, bright window
With you just outside.
I barely escaped
I’m almost free
From empty longing.

Who am I kidding?

This insanity is scaring me…
Holy shit!
Please, just hold me.
I just want-
A break,
To break free.
I just want-
To be me.

~Antanya


Waiting… (In Vain)

I’ve been hiding so long,
While listening to your song…
Suppression has combined with depression,
While waiting for heartbreaks’ remission.
I still wait for closure that won’t come
I’ve been fooling myself, I think you’re gone.
I still think of you all the time,
Can’t get you out of my mind…

A friend
Who is more
A heart
I still adore
I remember you, love…
I miss you.

~Antanya

(I wrote this yesterday, but wasn’t sure if I should post it… Fuck it. Haha! I hope someone will like it.)


Anniversary

Three years,
Since silence
Broke me…

I wrote myself into fury
I wrote you into memory
We became something eternal
Through hope and longing…

I realize now,
There is no freedom
When love is stifled
No comfort
When screaming
From the inside…

Three years,
Since you
Left me…

~Antanya

Today is the three year anniversary of my WordPress blog. (I’ve been writing for much longer than that, but that is when I started publishing stuff here.) Thank you for sticking around! 😉


Raven- Friend, Familiar

Mystic guardian
Glossy wings
Sharp beak
Squawking sentinel
Clicking clamor
I’m your sister,
Maybe your lover…

~Antanya