Dreams & Delusions…

Conversation

Beautiful

I have a strange relationship⁣⁣
With the word “beautiful”.⁣⁣
Now, I know this is⁣⁣
Supposed to be⁣⁣
A compliment,⁣⁣
Is a rite of passage for some-⁣⁣
But, when I am called beautiful,⁣⁣
I seldom feel a lift in mood,⁣⁣
That word puts me on alert…⁣⁣
Every time someone wants something⁣⁣
From me, it always starts with “beautiful”-⁣⁣
As if attraction is an excuse for abuse,⁣⁣
For ignorance of my boundaries, or of my emotional state.⁣⁣
I am not ungrateful that my physical presence is treasured,⁣⁣
Though, I notice…⁣⁣
So many enjoy looking at me,⁣⁣
But the conversation grows stale⁣⁣
When I try to interact,⁣⁣
When I move from a decoration to a soul.⁣⁣
I don’t speak to deaf ears.⁣⁣
I’m not a fucking decoration.⁣⁣
I’m a frustrated woman.⁣⁣
More than beautiful,⁣⁣
Alive.⁣⁣
~Antanya⁣⁣


The Silence

I miss⁣
The silence⁣
Between our⁣
Nervous words,⁣
The safety⁣
In the rhythm⁣
Of your breath,⁣
The longing to⁣
Reach out,⁣
Reach you…⁣
Before the⁣
Uncertainty ⁣
Murdered⁣
The moment,⁣
When the connection⁣
Was almost enough…⁣
I miss⁣
The silence…⁣


A Real Difference

Right wing extremists
Are so stuck in their narrative,
They are tone-deaf to the collective.
Left wing extremists
Have forsaken their boundaries,
They are easy prey to the Universe.
Listen.
Connect.
Have boundaries.
Give a fuck.
Make a real difference.


Fuck It (Fuck You)

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

I wonder how it feels
To be entitled to
Friendliness and
Openly offended when
This is not the case…

I wonder how it feels
To have the audacity
To demand this from people
Without knowing their stories…
What makes you think it’s okay,
To ruin my morning with your assumptions
And cruelty?

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

~Antanya

Today I had a stranger corner me about my every day behavior, and had to explain my anxiety to them, because she felt like I owed her something. I spent the next hour and a half crying… I wish people could be more understanding, you never know how what you say will affect someone else, or what others are going through. Why couldn’t she just accept a simple “good morning”? I wish it would have been one.


Worth Their Weight

I remember

The raw pain

And the emptiness

That stretched along

The years…

I used to wish

I had never known you,

Though now

I am grateful

You found a way,

To show me

I’m not alone…

Gave me a love

To curl into

When everything else

Falls away.

I would rather have this

Passion and longing,

Darkness and light

Intertwined-

Than the absence,

The vacuous abyss…

The substance to crave

In the emptiness of

This fucked up world,

Companionship and love

Are worth

Their weight in pain.


Rabid

I look like a rabid animal.
“Honey, you are a rabid animal.”
I know, but people don’t need to know that. 😎