Dreams & Delusions…

Archive for January, 2015

Show Me

Doubt is a thief of peace 
And a destroyer of hope…  
If I could make the fear release,
Maybe I could finally cope.
Can you lift my spirit, my heart
Like you used to do?
‘Cause staying away, apart
Only makes me ache for you…
I’m coming completely undone
Every fucking day.   
Please, tell me I’m not the only one
Searching for a way…
I feel your pain, is it for me?
Stop me from wondering,
Tell me the truth, set me free…
Show me my hungering
Heart in your hand,
Show me you love me and understand.

~Antanya


Avoidance (You Should Know)

My body is tired,
But my mind is exhausted
From trying not to think,
Trying not to imagine
Or remember you.
It’s not that
I don’t want to,
Fuck, you don’t know
How much I do…
It’s that I can’t
Seem to think of
Anything or anyone else
While you are occupying
The space in my brain
And that drives me
Quite insane.                                 
Oh, but my heart
Never tires, and
You are always there…
This gives me comfort,
Infuses me with strength,
Warms me when nothing else will.
I thought, maybe, you should know,
I mean, I love you, still…

~Antanya

I wrote this a few days ago, and it comforted me to read it today.


Forevermore

It’s happening again…
My mind is shutting me in.
The need to express
Grows to excess,
As I long to heal
The you-shaped hole
In my chest.
And I’m so exhausted,
I can’t seem to rest…
But my mind keeps screaming
That what my heart feels
Is not real,
How is that possible,
When it’s the way I feel?
I’m not sure if it’s weakness
Or impossible strength
That keeps me
Riding this wavelength…
I hate being bound by doubt,
But if I can’t speak,
There is no way out.
Will there be a day
When we can love
Without walking away?
I’ve been trying for years,
And I’d struggle through many more
To destroy these fears, to validate these tears…
To heal with the one I’ll always love and adore.

~Antanya


You

Indeed… I love this!

Fragile and Strong

You

Somehow
I keep coming back to you
Without words
It feels as if you see me
Have always seen me
Silently watching
Knowing
Yours

View original post


Three Words (Over and Over)

I long to open my heart past the restraints of my mind…
Where I can show you my love for you, fierce, loyal, and kind…
I keep over thinking every word, wishing I could hear you…
I won’t get over this, or I would have by now, what can I do?
My voice keeps repeating:
I love you, I Love You, I LOVE YOU!!!

~Antanya


Mirrored Walls

You keep digging, what do you think you’ll find?
If you won’t let me in, you won’t know my mind.
You think you know, but all you see are my mirrored walls.
I refuse to open up when you can’t hear my spirit’s calls…
If you keep pushing, I’ll piss you off. I’m programmed to offend.
Unless you try to help, to understand, my mind will only defend.
Give me a reason to trust you, if you want to see deep inside…
I don’t let just anyone in the dark cave where my demons hide.

~Antanya


Mine

I’m not okay.
Though, I’ll tell you-
“I’m fine.”
Even though I hate that line.
You don’t need to see
The demons in my mind-
Some parts of me are better
Left for no one to find…
These struggles aren’t yours-
They’re mine.

~Antanya


Home

When I am silent,
You are deafening.
I hear more than echoes
Of you in my ancient soul…
Echoes could never be so powerful.

When I delve within to draw from strength,
I see the places I let you kiss and finger…
The silken bonds we never could sever…
Chills down my spine, into my legs make me shiver.
Words do not do justice to this emotional river…

You remind me, I’m not fighting alone.
The thought of you makes me smile
From the inside, and to me, that is home.

~Antanya


Sealed

❤


My Arrow Is My Eye — an original poem

I love this! 🙂 *Channels her inner Katniss*

Stellular Scribe

by Kekai Kotaki by Kekai Kotaki

My arrow is my eye,
it looses with a sigh,
I follow it and know where it
will land before it flies.

Crunching armor, broken blades batter,
steel’s a charmer, it doesn’t matter —
a soldier’s game is rough and unrefined;
but an archer’s blow is dealt with her mind.

Once in the knee,
twice in the chest,
go for the throat
and your chances are best —
pick off the weak,
put down the frail,
mock the muscle
aim through the mail!

My arrow is my eye,
it glares across the sky,
I follow it and see through it
for the arrow, true, is I.

© 2015 Stellular Scribe

View original post


Blue Star Sapphire

I can feel the dark side of me
Coming back with certainty
She hones herself on me like a stone
Reminding me the light is not alone
It’s fortunate, I’m pure blue corundum
Or, I would surely be overcome.
Throw me into the swirling ocean
Wash me clean in endless emotion
Polish me, in rough grains of sand
Until I’m smooth enough for your hand
Grind off my points, until I’m round
I’ll ascend for air, find solid ground
When I reach that shore, so far
A polished marble, containing a star
You’ll find me, wherever you are…
I feel you watching, waiting for me
To shine, to love you, wild and free…

~Antanya


Rapture Calling ~ with Antanya St. John

I really enjoyed writing this with Johnny Ojanpera, it was quite a trip! 🙂


Cure for My Panic

I’m so exhausted, I can’t think straight-
Head pounds, heart hurts, I feel sick.
I need an escape, some kind of respite.
Longing to lay in your strong, warm arms…
Hold my heart, keep it safe from harm.
Soothe my anxieties with your soulful gaze.
Melt away my fear with your heated kisses.
Warm me, wrap me, body, mind, and soul.
Your love, your fire saves me from the cold…

~Antanya


Rainy Night Thoughts

Listening to the rain
Has always assuaged me…
Melody for the pain
Liberates me, finally free…

I should be getting some sleep,
Letting memories meld with dreams,
Drifting incredibly deep…
But I can’t touch you there, it seems…

I don’t want to close my eyes…
That’s when the blackness takes
You from me, fantasy dies
Until I finally wake…

I mourn the loss of my vivid dreams,
But I would give them to you anyway
In trade for beautiful daydreams
Where we are together, just one day…

I still long for you, my heart beats your name.
You’re never alone, I’m never far.
I ache to know if you feel the same…
Please know, you are the key to my heart.

~Antanya


11:11

It’s 11:11,
I’m thinking of you
Just like I always do
Quick, make a wish
And I will too…

~Antanya

I always look at the clock at 11:11 and at 3:33, it kinda weirds me out a little…


Until I’m Honest

I keep trying not to be naive
I keep telling myself not to believe
That you don’t love me, you only deceive
Because every time, you break me and leave
My heart is left so lost, so gone, I can’t retrieve
What to do? My disease is my only reprieve
I lockdown in destructive silence, I grieve
I still feel immobilizing pain I can’t relieve
Until I’m honest (with me), peace I achieve
One with the unconditional love I weave…

~Antanya


Phoenix with Butterfly Wings- Reborn

-Unknown

-Unknown

I’m struggling, I’m fighting the good fight
Keeping myself up every damn night
I keep the twilight within me from healing
That roar within that dampens all feeling

The dark keeps screaming, yanking my hair
Fingers around my throat, I gasp for air
Blackness closing in, but it can’t take me
As my eyes close, my spirit begins to see…

I’m a phoenix with butterfly wings
As I plunge into the darkness my soul sings
From the ashes, a melody rings
Healing light transmutes to sound
Wings unfurl, then swoop from the ground

Leaving trails of sparks and flame, fireworks on high
Graceful and swift, leaving infinity symbols in the sky
Soaring up to swirl with the stars, to kiss the moon-
I feel you calling, love…  My heart calls back, soon…

-Unknown

-Unknown

~Antanya


Music Theme- Only Time

Who can say

Where the road goes

Where the day flows

Only time

And if it means I’ll be waiting for twenty years and twenty more

I’ll be praying for redemption and your note underneath my door

When our lives are over

And all that remains

Are our skulls and bones

Let’s take it to the grave

How long

Can we keep holding on?

Our time is running out

Our time is running out

You can’t push it underground

You can’t stop it screaming out

-Unknown

-Unknown

Only time holds the answers

It’s only time

I’s only everything.  ❤

Check out the other talented themers!

Lisa, Johnny, Bear, Maddie, & Willow


For E**** [Trigger Warning]

When she screamed, begged, and cried,
Did it make you feel big inside?
You said you loved her, you fucking lied…
She thought you would always be by her side.
How could you bring yourself to hurt her,
For your pleasure? Was it fun?
Her family contemplates murder…
Now, she’ll never feel safe,
she will grow to trust no one.
The memories will forever chafe…
She couldn’t even fight back,
You broke her innocent body.
I hope she survives this attack,
And you are killed, a sick nobody.
Unforgivable, in my parental mind,
You’re lower and dirtier than shit.
Someday, I hope, peace, she shall find,
The strength and love to get through it…

~Antanya

I realize this piece may be triggering, but it needed to be said, and I needed to get it out.

E**** is the name of the victim.  She’s only four years old.  My heart hurts.


SILENCE WITHOUT SOUND

This hit me hard. We are all worthy of love, even when those inner voices say otherwise…

HASTYWORDS

Don’t believe the lies inside your head. 

Everyone should feel loved. 

Everyone is worth love.

I have heard the voices and they are cruel and if you let them they will bully you. 

Never give up… never let go!

BeFunky_eeaa5724312f11e3969322000a1fc655_8.jpg

Your kiss sends me flying

Above natures golden leaves

Your words send me diving

Into waters full of mystery

But my heart keeps stopping

Worried I’ve flown too far

Worried I dove too deep

In the moments without a beat

I can hear the demons call

They know me by name

They mimic your voice

I don’t deserve to be happy

The voices are harsh, berating

Asking why someone could possibly

Love such a troubled soul as me

In the end I fall, in the end I drown

Because I flew too high they said

Because I dove too deep they cried

Taunting my feeble humanity

They save me from the…

View original post 31 more words


Worth

Indeed. This is beautiful. ❤


Ache

I am empty of expression,  
Though never empty of you…
Longing in this obsession,
Every word I’ve offered is true…  
My soul screams, echoing within,
My mind insists I’ll never know
Your passionate fingers on my skin
…And I know I cannot let go…  
This pain only resumes,               
As nails dig into scarred palms…  
The ache for you consumes, 
As I claw inwardly for calm…

~Antanya


Sometimes

Sometimes-
I’m demure and classy
Other times-
I’m brassy and trashy
Sometimes-
I’m sultry and sassy
Most of the time-
I’m friendly and shy
All of the time-
I’m loving, ’til I die.

~Antanya


Healing in the Ethereal Void

As my physical pain subsides,
I slip to the void
Where my love for you resides…
This place, devoid
Of all tangible cycles and tides…
I won’t avoid
The memories and fantasies, besides…
This is where I’m most alive.

~Antanya