Dreams & Delusions…

Posts tagged “Loneliness

Understanding

Anxiety became bearable

The moment I understood

What it was,

And where it came from.

I have always had an awkward

Sense of loneliness,

Even while around those

I love,

Who love me genuinely…

I’m not sure

If the loneliness is from being Misunderstood,

Or if I just don’t fit

With other humans…

And maybe it’s why

I have such a hard time

With letting go…

You met me in this space,

Gave my loneliness

A beautiful name,

Made a safe place

To lay out our mess,

Softened through the rain…

~Antanya


Just Maybe.

​Maybe I’m a vessel

For emptiness,
Maybe I’m programmed
For loneliness,
Maybe I’m screaming
Inside the silence…

~Antanya


Lonely (Because of Me)

I want to talk to you,
But I don’t want
My stress to rub off on you,
To seem needy,
Or (worse) greedy.
I don’t want to use you,
Or to hurt you,
I want everything I say
To be true,
So I stay away
When I need you the most…
Both haunted and comforted
By our love’s ghost.

~Antanya


Voice in the Void

I don’t like the space
Where loneliness leaves me.
I like to be alone,
But not lonely…
The screams are too loud
With no one’s voice to calm them,
And my throat hurts too bad to sing…
Do you have a voice strong enough
To harmonize with my demons,
To lend them a sentimental ring?

~Antanya


Fuck my Loneliness

How can I be so attached
To what I’ve never had?
The spirals of questions,
Unanswered
Surely driving me mad…
Tease me
With what I need,
Then leave me
Crawling, begging, grieving
My own greed…
Why engage these games?
When we both
Whisper each other’s names…
Do we?  Do you?…
I don’t even know
If this makes sense to you…
So, I keep it to myself
Because I’m not sure
You can help…
Even though
My dreams of you
Always do…

~Antanya


You Understand?

Yeah, it’s me
It’s you, too.
I don’t know
Why you act like someone else,
When all I want is you.
You tell me you understand,
I can’t help but doubt,
When you won’t touch my hand,
Or even hear me out…

~Antanya


Cold Wall

Sometimes, when I am cold,
I trace the cracks in the wall between us…
I lay my cheek against rough stone
Eroded from so many years of-
Our pounding,
Our screaming,
Our scratching…
I imagine myself changing state,
Seeping through the tiny cracks
Only to meet your skin,
To touch your warmth,
To not feel alone…
I feel you on the other side,
I know you are hurting too,
And I want to (need to) be against you,
Not this cold wall.
My cold turns wet and lonely,
Soaked in tears I can’t shed.
Shivering, hugging myself in the corner
Inside my head.

~Antanya


Disconnected

Estranged, disconnected, severed:
Floating past the unknown-
Soul shivers in the cold,
When eyes slide past me,
Can’t help feeling alone.

~Antanya


I’m Here

You keep saying you’re alone,
Even while I huddle to your side…
The want of you creates a low moan,
Pulled by your tide, from the inside…
I don’t know how to show you-
You are not beneath me,
I’m here beside you.
My soul cries-
Love, open your eyes.

~Antanya


In the Worst Way

I’ve always had some
Kind of awkward loneliness
About me-
People smile and hug me,
But seldom do they truly touch
My core, my soul.
Why is it that the ones who do
Are never comfortable
With staying so close?
Don’t you see-
How your presence comforts me?
But, then you are pulling away,
And I’m alone,
Lonely, in the worst way.
While you run away,
Off to your life-
Forever on the edge of mine.

~Antanya


Grey (Void)

Grey.
There is no
Light or dark,
Black or white,
Here.
There is only me
And my uncertain fear.
Hope is like a memory
That feels locked in periphery…
I feel traces of you, still…
Like smoke in the air,
Like soot on my skin,
Ashes in the water.
You’ve infiltrated
My inner void,
There is no empty,
When you still fill me.
There is no peace
From the call,
There is no break
For the fall.
I feel so lonely,
Disconnected
From it all…
Grey.
There is no
Light or dark,
Black or white,
Here.
There is only me
And my uncertain fear…

~Antanya