Just Maybe.
Maybe I’m a vessel
For emptiness,
Maybe I’m programmed
For loneliness,
Maybe I’m screaming
Inside the silence…
~Antanya
Lonely (Because of Me)
I want to talk to you,
But I don’t want
My stress to rub off on you,
To seem needy,
Or (worse) greedy.
I don’t want to use you,
Or to hurt you,
I want everything I say
To be true,
So I stay away
When I need you the most…
Both haunted and comforted
By our love’s ghost.
~Antanya
Voice in the Void
I don’t like the space
Where loneliness leaves me.
I like to be alone,
But not lonely…
The screams are too loud
With no one’s voice to calm them,
And my throat hurts too bad to sing…
Do you have a voice strong enough
To harmonize with my demons,
To lend them a sentimental ring?
~Antanya
You Understand?
Yeah, it’s me
It’s you, too.
I don’t know
Why you act like someone else,
When all I want is you.
You tell me you understand,
I can’t help but doubt,
When you won’t touch my hand,
Or even hear me out…
~Antanya
Cold Wall
Sometimes, when I am cold,
I trace the cracks in the wall between us…
I lay my cheek against rough stone
Eroded from so many years of-
Our pounding,
Our screaming,
Our scratching…
I imagine myself changing state,
Seeping through the tiny cracks
Only to meet your skin,
To touch your warmth,
To not feel alone…
I feel you on the other side,
I know you are hurting too,
And I want to (need to) be against you,
Not this cold wall.
My cold turns wet and lonely,
Soaked in tears I can’t shed.
Shivering, hugging myself in the corner
Inside my head.
~Antanya
Disconnected
Estranged, disconnected, severed:
Floating past the unknown-
Soul shivers in the cold,
When eyes slide past me,
Can’t help feeling alone.
~Antanya
I’m Here
You keep saying you’re alone,
Even while I huddle to your side…
The want of you creates a low moan,
Pulled by your tide, from the inside…
I don’t know how to show you-
You are not beneath me,
I’m here beside you.
My soul cries-
Love, open your eyes.
~Antanya
In the Worst Way
I’ve always had some
Kind of awkward loneliness
About me-
People smile and hug me,
But seldom do they truly touch
My core, my soul.
Why is it that the ones who do
Are never comfortable
With staying so close?
Don’t you see-
How your presence comforts me?
But, then you are pulling away,
And I’m alone,
Lonely, in the worst way.
While you run away,
Off to your life-
Forever on the edge of mine.
~Antanya
Grey (Void)
Grey.
There is no
Light or dark,
Black or white,
Here.
There is only me
And my uncertain fear.
Hope is like a memory
That feels locked in periphery…
I feel traces of you, still…
Like smoke in the air,
Like soot on my skin,
Ashes in the water.
You’ve infiltrated
My inner void,
There is no empty,
When you still fill me.
There is no peace
From the call,
There is no break
For the fall.
I feel so lonely,
Disconnected
From it all…
Grey.
There is no
Light or dark,
Black or white,
Here.
There is only me
And my uncertain fear…
~Antanya
