Dreams & Delusions…

Welcome to Through the Fog!

Forget your eyes, see with your soul! ~Antanya

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Existential Dread

…And people tell you to follow your dreams, but when you think of dreams, all you see is black, empty nothing, because all you’ve ever hoped for was to make it, and you did, but you didn’t… And what is there to reach for, when all you have energy for is breathing, and when you want to talk, they want to yell, or fight, or fuck, or anything but fucking listen…

I get dramatic when I’m sick and tired…

Forgive me.

I talk to myself,⁣⁣
Because I know⁣⁣
I’m the only one⁣⁣
Who will listen.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
My throat⁣⁣
And my fingers ache,⁣⁣
Heavy with the words⁣⁣
I can’t seem to find-⁣⁣
I miss you⁣⁣
So fucking much.⁣⁣

I know that if we⁣⁣
Are truly connected,⁣⁣
You are never really gone…⁣⁣
I see your hand reaching for me,⁣⁣
But all I can do is bleed,⁣⁣
I hear you, calling,⁣⁣
But I can’t speak.⁣⁣

I swallow my feelings⁣⁣
In my dry throat⁣⁣
And wish that I could cry.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
I talk to myself,⁣⁣
Because I know⁣⁣
I’m the only one⁣⁣
Who will listen.⁣⁣

Fractured

Iridescent shards⁣
Of my past⁣
Stick in the callouses⁣
On the bottoms⁣
Of my soiled feet,⁣
I try so hard to step⁣
Gently, purposefully-⁣
Then brush the shards⁣
Away from my skin, ⁣
Pain persists⁣
And the microscopic⁣
Daggers still embed⁣
Their way into me,⁣
The bloody remnants⁣
Of fear⁣
Leave me raw,⁣
Restless and uncertain-⁣
Lost in me, ⁣
Again.⁣

Mercy

I forgive myself,⁣
No longer burdened⁣
With the guilt of past⁣
Loneliness,⁣
Or how we staved it off.⁣

I see now⁣
How I have kept myself⁣
Small,⁣
Folded me into a note⁣
That could fit in your pocket,⁣
Just to feel your warmth.⁣

I forgive myself:⁣
For forgetting⁣
I have my own,⁣
And for seeking it⁣
Elsewhere.⁣

For limiting my⁣
Experience,⁣
Making everything scarce⁣
So that I could see⁣
More of you.⁣

I forgive myself-⁣
I forgive you.⁣
I love myself-⁣
And I love you.⁣

~Antanya

Watercolor

You will always⁣
Find me⁣
Where the light⁣
Fades, melds⁣
Into dark…⁣
Autumnal soul-⁣
Forever diving⁣
Into the galaxies⁣
In my mind,⁣
In your heart…⁣
Watercolor emotion,⁣
Bleeding into black.

The Silence

I miss⁣
The silence⁣
Between our⁣
Nervous words,⁣
The safety⁣
In the rhythm⁣
Of your breath,⁣
The longing to⁣
Reach out,⁣
Reach you…⁣
Before the⁣
Uncertainty ⁣
Murdered⁣
The moment,⁣
When the connection⁣
Was almost enough…⁣
I miss⁣
The silence…⁣

Double

As I return to myself,
I return to you.
When I see myself
In a mirror,
You are a double exposure
In the frame.
You are as close as blood…
As I breathe,
I feel your breath.
As I reach,
I can almost
Feel your hand…

A Real Difference

Right wing extremists
Are so stuck in their narrative,
They are tone-deaf to the collective.
Left wing extremists
Have forsaken their boundaries,
They are easy prey to the Universe.
Listen.
Connect.
Have boundaries.
Give a fuck.
Make a real difference.

Mute

The ache⁣
Steals the words⁣
From my tongue,⁣
The pain⁣
Scrapes the memories⁣
Through my brain…⁣
How do you speak⁣
So easily,⁣
Why do I fall silent ⁣
When my heart screams?

Start Softly

Hold me,⠀
I will hold you back,⠀
Lay with me⠀
And whisper all of those secrets⠀
We don’t share with anyone else…⠀
I need to be vulnerable⠀
And know that I am safe⠀
Before I can let you in…⠀
Once we have shared enough,⠀
We can let the real fun begin.⠀

~Antanya