Dreams & Delusions…

Welcome to Through the Fog!

Forget your eyes, see with your soul! ~Antanya

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Hands

IMG_2554.JPGMy hands have been in this world

For 34 years,

They have seen their fair share

Of work and life, sorrow and pleasure.

These hands have held hands, hearts, and wounds

Sometimes with tenderness,

Sometimes with a fierce determination

And an unrelenting grip,

Sometimes, an umbilical lifeline.

These hands ache

To heal, to hurt, to soothe, to caress,

With the abandon only wildness brings.

Hands of a healer, a mother, a lover, an adventurer…

Hands that have stirred, kneaded, rolled, and turned over…

Hands that have clawed through the dirt, have planted many seeds,

Have brought forth life, and have taken it away…

These hands have created, written, expressed, painted,

Sawed, filed, sanded, soldered, polished,

Soothed, healed, caressed, massaged, and teased,

Nurtured, comforted, hugged, held, and tickled…

My hands are not perfect,

My hands are beautiful.

~AntanyaIMG_2555.JPG

Worth Their Weight

I remember

The raw pain

And the emptiness

That stretched along

The years…

I used to wish

I had never known you,

Though now

I am grateful

You found a way,

To show me

I’m not alone…

Gave me a love

To curl into

When everything else

Falls away.

I would rather have this

Passion and longing,

Darkness and light

Intertwined-

Than the absence,

The vacuous abyss…

The substance to crave

In the emptiness of

This fucked up world,

Companionship and love

Are worth

Their weight in pain.

Understanding

Anxiety became bearable

The moment I understood

What it was,

And where it came from.

I have always had an awkward

Sense of loneliness,

Even while around those

I love,

Who love me genuinely…

I’m not sure

If the loneliness is from being Misunderstood,

Or if I just don’t fit

With other humans…

And maybe it’s why

I have such a hard time

With letting go…

You met me in this space,

Gave my loneliness

A beautiful name,

Made a safe place

To lay out our mess,

Softened through the rain…

~Antanya

Every Time

I’m back trying to heal,

Divining the fiction

From the real,

And every time I delve

Into myself,

I find you,

A little deeper,

Closer,

Yet further

Away…

~Antanya

Everything I Can’t Say

Darkness,

Our rise,

And our downfall.

How many times

Have we met here?

Whispered,

Screamed,

Touched,

Held…

You don’t want to stay,

And I don’t blame you.

My heart still reaches for you,

I think it always will,

You were always

There for me

In the dark…

I will always wonder

Why we keep ending up

Here,

When all I feel

Is the empty,

The longing,

Stretching forever,

And your back

Walking away…

I feel-

Left with nothing,

And everything

I can’t say…

~Antanya

Too Much

I never mean to

Drag you down with me,

I don’t want to trouble you

Or to be too painful to hold,

But intention is not reality,

And we don’t always succeed

In doing as we say.

I’m sorry that I am

Boring

Selfish

Annoying

Short-sighted

Neurotic

Anxious,

I’m sorry

I

Am

Too

Much…

~Antanya

Grateful

It’s funny.

You can love your life

And all the people in it,

And still feel hurt and sad.

I am grateful for all

I have, all I’ve felt,

And all there is to come.

Every experience

Is an opportunity

To learn, to heal,

To love, to feel…

~Antanya