Welcome to Through the Fog!
…And people tell you to follow your dreams, but when you think of dreams, all you see is black, empty nothing, because all you’ve ever hoped for was to make it, and you did, but you didn’t… And what is there to reach for, when all you have energy for is breathing, and when you want to talk, they want to yell, or fight, or fuck, or anything but fucking listen…
I get dramatic when I’m sick and tired…
Forgive me.
I talk to myself,
Because I know
I’m the only one
Who will listen.
My throat
And my fingers ache,
Heavy with the words
I can’t seem to find-
I miss you
So fucking much.
I know that if we
Are truly connected,
You are never really gone…
I see your hand reaching for me,
But all I can do is bleed,
I hear you, calling,
But I can’t speak.
I swallow my feelings
In my dry throat
And wish that I could cry.
I talk to myself,
Because I know
I’m the only one
Who will listen.
Iridescent shards
Of my past
Stick in the callouses
On the bottoms
Of my soiled feet,
I try so hard to step
Gently, purposefully-
Then brush the shards
Away from my skin,
Pain persists
And the microscopic
Daggers still embed
Their way into me,
The bloody remnants
Of fear
Leave me raw,
Restless and uncertain-
Lost in me,
Again.
I forgive myself,
No longer burdened
With the guilt of past
Loneliness,
Or how we staved it off.
I see now
How I have kept myself
Small,
Folded me into a note
That could fit in your pocket,
Just to feel your warmth.
I forgive myself:
For forgetting
I have my own,
And for seeking it
Elsewhere.
For limiting my
Experience,
Making everything scarce
So that I could see
More of you.
I forgive myself-
I forgive you.
I love myself-
And I love you.
~Antanya
You will always
Find me
Where the light
Fades, melds
Into dark…
Autumnal soul-
Forever diving
Into the galaxies
In my mind,
In your heart…
Watercolor emotion,
Bleeding into black.
As I return to myself,
I return to you.
When I see myself
In a mirror,
You are a double exposure
In the frame.
You are as close as blood…
As I breathe,
I feel your breath.
As I reach,
I can almost
Feel your hand…
Right wing extremists
Are so stuck in their narrative,
They are tone-deaf to the collective.
Left wing extremists
Have forsaken their boundaries,
They are easy prey to the Universe.
Listen.
Connect.
Have boundaries.
Give a fuck.
Make a real difference.
The ache
Steals the words
From my tongue,
The pain
Scrapes the memories
Through my brain…
How do you speak
So easily,
Why do I fall silent
When my heart screams?
Hold me,⠀
I will hold you back,⠀
Lay with me⠀
And whisper all of those secrets⠀
We don’t share with anyone else…⠀
I need to be vulnerable⠀
And know that I am safe⠀
Before I can let you in…⠀
Once we have shared enough,⠀
We can let the real fun begin.⠀
⠀
~Antanya
