Dreams & Delusions…

Posts tagged “Emotion

Beautiful

I have a strange relationship⁣⁣
With the word “beautiful”.⁣⁣
Now, I know this is⁣⁣
Supposed to be⁣⁣
A compliment,⁣⁣
Is a rite of passage for some-⁣⁣
But, when I am called beautiful,⁣⁣
I seldom feel a lift in mood,⁣⁣
That word puts me on alert…⁣⁣
Every time someone wants something⁣⁣
From me, it always starts with “beautiful”-⁣⁣
As if attraction is an excuse for abuse,⁣⁣
For ignorance of my boundaries, or of my emotional state.⁣⁣
I am not ungrateful that my physical presence is treasured,⁣⁣
Though, I notice…⁣⁣
So many enjoy looking at me,⁣⁣
But the conversation grows stale⁣⁣
When I try to interact,⁣⁣
When I move from a decoration to a soul.⁣⁣
I don’t speak to deaf ears.⁣⁣
I’m not a fucking decoration.⁣⁣
I’m a frustrated woman.⁣⁣
More than beautiful,⁣⁣
Alive.⁣⁣
~Antanya⁣⁣


Stoic Storm

Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t scream
Or struggle,
Or he won’t stop.
Let him get bored…
Be boring,
Stoic.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t say how
You feel
Or he will
Scream again,
Don’t communicate
So you can have
Peace.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
You can’t change
The choices she makes,
Tell her you’re worried,
But not where he can hear…
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
He will think
You’re weak,
So just take it,
It will be over soon.
He will say it was
Nothing.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And sometimes,
You remember
Harsh voices,
Unwanted hands,
Threats and violence.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And you scrape
Your pieces into a pile,
Breathe…
Pick them up
And hold them to your chest…
Breathe…
Mourn for the girl
Who used to be,
The one who hides
Within you still…
Breathe…
Love,
Heal,
Remember,
And Breathe…
Don’t react,
Just breathe…

~Antanya


Complex Paradox

When you feel so far,
When your words
Don’t seem real
When your glance slides away,
I feel small and unremarkable,
Disappointing and empty.

When you are not here,
When the dark
Feels so deep,
When I feel so much I can’t say,
I long to show you and be stripped
Of this panic,
This need and desire…
To be swept away.

I try to focus
On my life,
On everything I have
And am grateful for,
But, you are always
Distracting in my periphery…
Endlessly addictive and sensual,
Teasing treaturously.

Your distance is a paradox,
Leaves me in wonderment,
Of an adoration so complex…

~Antanya


Overwhelmed

​Sometimes, I feel so deeply, so much…

I fall silent, overwhelmed, by what words cannot touch.
It’s like explaining senses yet undiscovered,
Trying to relay the emotions uncovered.

~Antanya

Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of Through the Fog.  This was all I could think of to write.  Overwhelmed.


Fuck my Loneliness

How can I be so attached
To what I’ve never had?
The spirals of questions,
Unanswered
Surely driving me mad…
Tease me
With what I need,
Then leave me
Crawling, begging, grieving
My own greed…
Why engage these games?
When we both
Whisper each other’s names…
Do we?  Do you?…
I don’t even know
If this makes sense to you…
So, I keep it to myself
Because I’m not sure
You can help…
Even though
My dreams of you
Always do…

~Antanya


Home

When I am silent,
You are deafening.
I hear more than echoes
Of you in my ancient soul…
Echoes could never be so powerful.

When I delve within to draw from strength,
I see the places I let you kiss and finger…
The silken bonds we never could sever…
Chills down my spine, into my legs make me shiver.
Words do not do justice to this emotional river…

You remind me, I’m not fighting alone.
The thought of you makes me smile
From the inside, and to me, that is home.

~Antanya