Dreams & Delusions…

Photography

Washing the Light Away

I love mornings
When the clouds are fiery patches
In the crisp blue of early sunrise,
When thin filaments of silver
Are caught on branches in the glow of low sun, shimmering like tinsel-
When wind bellows through the redwoods and maples,
Swirling red needles and golden leaves,
Autumn’s rustling shower,
When the fat drops hit the windows,
Washing the light away from the season…


Beautiful

I have a strange relationship⁣⁣
With the word “beautiful”.⁣⁣
Now, I know this is⁣⁣
Supposed to be⁣⁣
A compliment,⁣⁣
Is a rite of passage for some-⁣⁣
But, when I am called beautiful,⁣⁣
I seldom feel a lift in mood,⁣⁣
That word puts me on alert…⁣⁣
Every time someone wants something⁣⁣
From me, it always starts with “beautiful”-⁣⁣
As if attraction is an excuse for abuse,⁣⁣
For ignorance of my boundaries, or of my emotional state.⁣⁣
I am not ungrateful that my physical presence is treasured,⁣⁣
Though, I notice…⁣⁣
So many enjoy looking at me,⁣⁣
But the conversation grows stale⁣⁣
When I try to interact,⁣⁣
When I move from a decoration to a soul.⁣⁣
I don’t speak to deaf ears.⁣⁣
I’m not a fucking decoration.⁣⁣
I’m a frustrated woman.⁣⁣
More than beautiful,⁣⁣
Alive.⁣⁣
~Antanya⁣⁣


Entanglement

I fall into awareness,⁣
Presence.⁣
Chills through my limbs⁣
And down my spine…⁣
I see you,⁣
In my mind’s eye-⁣
It’s been a long time⁣
Want to stay,⁣
Safe and welcome-⁣
Send my love,⁣
And hope it catches⁣
A trace of you.


I talk to myself,⁣⁣
Because I know⁣⁣
I’m the only one⁣⁣
Who will listen.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
My throat⁣⁣
And my fingers ache,⁣⁣
Heavy with the words⁣⁣
I can’t seem to find-⁣⁣
I miss you⁣⁣
So fucking much.⁣⁣

I know that if we⁣⁣
Are truly connected,⁣⁣
You are never really gone…⁣⁣
I see your hand reaching for me,⁣⁣
But all I can do is bleed,⁣⁣
I hear you, calling,⁣⁣
But I can’t speak.⁣⁣

I swallow my feelings⁣⁣
In my dry throat⁣⁣
And wish that I could cry.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
I talk to myself,⁣⁣
Because I know⁣⁣
I’m the only one⁣⁣
Who will listen.⁣⁣


Fractured

Iridescent shards⁣
Of my past⁣
Stick in the callouses⁣
On the bottoms⁣
Of my soiled feet,⁣
I try so hard to step⁣
Gently, purposefully-⁣
Then brush the shards⁣
Away from my skin, ⁣
Pain persists⁣
And the microscopic⁣
Daggers still embed⁣
Their way into me,⁣
The bloody remnants⁣
Of fear⁣
Leave me raw,⁣
Restless and uncertain-⁣
Lost in me, ⁣
Again.⁣


Mercy

I forgive myself,⁣
No longer burdened⁣
With the guilt of past⁣
Loneliness,⁣
Or how we staved it off.⁣

I see now⁣
How I have kept myself⁣
Small,⁣
Folded me into a note⁣
That could fit in your pocket,⁣
Just to feel your warmth.⁣

I forgive myself:⁣
For forgetting⁣
I have my own,⁣
And for seeking it⁣
Elsewhere.⁣

For limiting my⁣
Experience,⁣
Making everything scarce⁣
So that I could see⁣
More of you.⁣

I forgive myself-⁣
I forgive you.⁣
I love myself-⁣
And I love you.⁣

~Antanya


The Silence

I miss⁣
The silence⁣
Between our⁣
Nervous words,⁣
The safety⁣
In the rhythm⁣
Of your breath,⁣
The longing to⁣
Reach out,⁣
Reach you…⁣
Before the⁣
Uncertainty ⁣
Murdered⁣
The moment,⁣
When the connection⁣
Was almost enough…⁣
I miss⁣
The silence…⁣


Mute

The ache⁣
Steals the words⁣
From my tongue,⁣
The pain⁣
Scrapes the memories⁣
Through my brain…⁣
How do you speak⁣
So easily,⁣
Why do I fall silent ⁣
When my heart screams?


Start Softly

Hold me,⠀
I will hold you back,⠀
Lay with me⠀
And whisper all of those secrets⠀
We don’t share with anyone else…⠀
I need to be vulnerable⠀
And know that I am safe⠀
Before I can let you in…⠀
Once we have shared enough,⠀
We can let the real fun begin.⠀

~Antanya


Bloom

We have been
Singed with frost,
Soaked in rain,
Shredded by wind,
Yet we still remain.
Standing tall,
Unwavering…
Tending the roots,
Pruning back the
Dead wood,
Culling and cultivating,
Until Spring reminds us
To Bloom.

~Antanya


Free With You

I have learned
My addiction
Is to the belonging,
The space you held
Me,
For me,
With me.
Our imaginary escape,
Real within our hearts,
Kept us alive,
Though we both felt
Like death.
I am grateful.
I am hurting.
I am loving.
I am lost.
Again-
And again.
I just want to
Be free,
With you.

~Antanya


Complex Paradox

When you feel so far,
When your words
Don’t seem real
When your glance slides away,
I feel small and unremarkable,
Disappointing and empty.

When you are not here,
When the dark
Feels so deep,
When I feel so much I can’t say,
I long to show you and be stripped
Of this panic,
This need and desire…
To be swept away.

I try to focus
On my life,
On everything I have
And am grateful for,
But, you are always
Distracting in my periphery…
Endlessly addictive and sensual,
Teasing treaturously.

Your distance is a paradox,
Leaves me in wonderment,
Of an adoration so complex…

~Antanya


Redwood Waves

The wave was the biggest

Crash

I had ever heard of-

I avoid the shore

Still

Walking through the trees-

Filling my lungs with petrichor…

~Antanya


Wonder

The weight of your gravity

Feels immense and ancient,

Like we have danced for ages,

As the stars in the constellations

Swirled and orbited

In the same timeless patterns.

My heart is forever bound

To this ancestral longing,
A glimpse of you stirs my spirit

Into mysterious discovery-

The wonder is the muse.

~Antanya


Grateful

It’s funny.

You can love your life

And all the people in it,

And still feel hurt and sad.

I am grateful for all

I have, all I’ve felt,

And all there is to come.

Every experience

Is an opportunity

To learn, to heal,

To love, to feel…

~Antanya


Mastering the Slide

The sodden ground
Has gotten quite slippery
It’s a good thing
I’m learning to master
The controlled slide…
~Antanya

I almost fell on my face in the mud scrambling back up the creek bank after taking this photo of a blooming skunk cabbage, and this is where my mind took it. I was originally going to post this to Instagram, but my photo/text editor has decided not to work for me anymore. I hope you enjoy.


Now on Instagram!

Through the Fog is now on Instagram!  Follow @throughthefogpoetry to see some of my poetry matched with my photography, if you like.  See you there.

Below is a copy of my first post, to show you an idea of what you will find there.


Calypso’s Slippers

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Calypso calls
In her blushing glory-
“I’ll weave you
A golden skin,
Only stay,
To adore me…
I’ll keep you
Intoxicated
On the sweetest wine,
Only say
You’re eternally mine…”
Dancing in slippers,
Delicate silk…
Touching iridescent skin,
Pale as milk.
Come, adventurer,
And drink of me,
We’ll forever rule the sea…

~Antanya


Reality/Visualized Dreams (Wordless Wednesday)

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Did you drift with me?  ; )
Thanks for playing along…
~Antanya


Magnolia Moon

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Do you see me,
Dancing under the magnolia tree?
Waiting for the moon and stars,
Feeling free…
I hear your whispers,
Enchanting me…
Love is still ours,
Come and see…
💜

~Antanya


Cathedral

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I never felt spiritual
In the pews,
Only bewildered
And confused,
I don’t believe in a God
Who hates,
Bashes, filters, or berates.

I worship the Love and Peace
That makes the pain of life cease…
My prayers are heard
Deep in Earth,
This knowledge-
My sacrament since birth.

The light through the trees,
Humming in vibration,
Like swarms of bees…
I complete my withdrawal
From Man’s church,
Into my Redwood Cathedral.

~Antanya


Dangerous Beauty

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Beauty is a dangerous trap,
Don’t turn your back,
Or else, Snap!
You can never go back…

~Antanya

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I took these photos of some cobra lilies I found while hiking in the Trinity Alps Wilderness.  They are a carnivorous plant that is native to Northern California, and are quite rare to find. 🙂


Whole

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There is a place,
A time,
Where I feel
Mind meld
With heart,
Body vibrates, frequency of soul,
Unbroken, unspoiled, whole…
To feel this, and nothing else…
The ultimate goal!

~Antanya

This could also be titled, “Why I Hike”, but I think that’s a bit less interesting. 😉  Photo taken by me, on my last hiking trip to the Trinity Alps in Northern California.