Dreams & Delusions…

Archive for December, 2014

Happy New Year 2015!!

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-Unknown

Everyone says they are sad to see the year die,
But, I remember,
The death of each year is an opportunity to fly!
Don’t be held down by past shortcomings,
Remember the promise the future brings…
I refuse to lose hope in the strength of my heart,
I hold on to love, as another year starts…

Happy New Year!
Remember, butterflies would never fly if they were afraid of falling!
Let’s make 2015 awesome!
🎆🎉🎶🍸💜😍🌌
Be safe, no drinking and driving!  😉


Confused Conflict

Isn’t it odd how we confuse ourselves with our feelings?
How our hearts can be completely illogical, but emphatic…
Even when our brains tell us it’s bullshit.
  
But, really-  Is it?  
When your heart keeps telling you it’s worth it…
Even as you whisper to yourself-
“Fuck it”…
I may be losing my mind- 
…Just a little bit…

~Antanya


Love, from an Old Soul…

Do you remember when you realized?
That moment when our love materialized?
When we forged this eternal link In our souls?
When we became halves from separate wholes?
  
I feel I have known you longer than I’ve been here…  
Talking with you was like blowing dust from old tomes in the library of my memory- 
   
I miss those talks, I always felt more than I could tell you.  
It makes me ache, knowing I may never get to…
I hope you understand, though I don’t know if you do…
There are just no words to express how deeply I love you.

~Antanya


Fire and Smoke

❤

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Burn.
Blaze like a phoenix
igniting the ashes
of a night
burned to oblivion.
We are flames
only extinguished by
doubt and hopelessness
so torch this fear
of what we might be
and burn brightly enough
to douse defeat
in the fires
of what we could be
if we can only
see through smoke.

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Misery

If I lay here still and silent,
Will the pain feel less violent?
If I close my eyes and think of you,
Will my heart make our dream come true?
‘Cause I’m trying my hardest to make it through…
…And when I dream of you, I always do…
When my body is in this state, my thoughts are hard to handle.
Even when I meditate, breathe, and light a candle…
Please,

Bring my dreams back to me,

Let me remember what you mean to me…

Before my soul drowns in this misery…


No Way Out (Sciatica)

Progressive mind in a broken shell
She wonders why she’s in physical Hell                 
Just make it stop, her fraying mind cries,        
She knows its those demons she denies…            
Binding her leg ’til she can’t stand on it,
Lying around makes her feel like shit
She gasps and sobs through pain most could not take,
She longs for sleep, but it keeps her awake  
Slowly tearing apart, from the inside out,
Her heart and soul drown in doubt
The voices keep growling-
“There’s no way out”…

~Antanya


Let it be about Love

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There is no Winter Wonderland where I live,
No white Christmas for me or my menagerie.
There are other wonders that mark these days…
Rain falls outside the window like dropping tinsel,
Home smells like handmade sweets, made with care.
Excitement, happiness, and innocent wonder in my child’s eyes
Reminds me to recognize the things I have that no one can buy.
Fellowship and laughter, warm hugs from family who care,
Even reminiscing, telling stories, missing the ones who can’t be there.
So, on Christmas, let it not be about the things you get, the things you give…
But, let it be about everything you love, everything you dream of…
Merry Christmas! (Eve)

~Antanya

Photo Credit


Dark Light- One with the Night

This longing within me
Fights to break free…  
The bonds holding my wrists
Chafe me as I struggle and twist, 
Ropes digging in my skin,
As I die to let you in…
Cutting my flesh down to bone,
As you keep me from feeling alone.

In the silence, I hear your heart call,
Beckoning me to prolong the fall…
You awaken me, with your silent subtlety,
This teasing borders cruelty…
My heart burns for you through the cold.
Please, tell me you want me to hold
Your heart for all eternity,
That your soul is free when you feel me…

Saying I want you, I love you, would only be part right.
I need you, I burn for you, my starry night…
You’re my soul’s strongest savior,
My heart’s warm and wise warrior.
Shining bright, in your dark light,
We take flight, one with the night.

~Antanya


Something that Feels like Nothing

“You’re just going to be like this forever, aren’t you?”
Sometimes thoughts should be held in, suppressed,
Especially when they make those you love depressed.
I don’t want to be this way, I say, as I tearfully turn away.
Then, I sleep deep, dreamlessly, and wake to another day.
Silent and alone, with noise and love I feel distant from.
You are indifferent to my suffering, watch as I overcome.
Though I wish and want for you to be present and loving,
I get excuses, feeble attempts at soothing, something that feels like nothing…

~Antanya


Empty Black

Words are failing me today,
Not saying what I need them to say…
I wanted to tell you how I feel,
That in my heart and soul this is real…
How I long for the vivid dreams I once had,
How feeling empty of you makes me lonely and sad.
I let sleep take me, hoping to see our dream sanctuary-
But, once asleep, on my side or my back,
I become aware of the lack, as my sight goes black…

~Antanya


A Minor Part in a Major Play

I love, love, love this! So beautiful, supportive, and loving… 🙂 ♡


Marcus

Terrible news… A bright, beautiful soul was lost today. I didn’t know him personally, and just recently started following his blog, but Marcus seemed like such a lovely soul. R.I.P. fellow poet. 😦


Music Theme- Winter Solstice

I’ve been following Lisa and Johnny Ojanpera for a while, now. I’ve even had the pleasure of collaborating with each of them!
If you missed what we came up with, you can check out my collab with Lisa here, and my collab with Johnny here.
Anyway, I’ve really been enjoying their music theme posts, and so I decided to participate this time. 😉 The holidays are hard for me, and the theme is Winter Solstice, so don’t expect any cutesy Christmas songs!

winter solstice


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winter solstice yule pagan christmas festival of lights quote return to the light facebook timeline cover banner for facebook


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Enjoy! If you feel so inclined, check out the other participants! Here they are: Bear, Eva, Willow, Lisa, Johnny, and Maddie.


Ascension to Liberation- A duet

Spacewarp2

There are things that thrive in dark places,
Rather than die.
I prefer light, bright honest spaces,
Rather than lie.
Sometimes it is necessary
To expand our comfortable periphery,
Or else end in purgatory.
When needs are met, scruples become secondary.
A telling, more true than every word humming,
I can see it in my own eyes.
The darkest places in me reside,
My desire is for light and a possibility.
To become as wide-eyed,
As only one can in the mind.
As my soul opens to opportunity,
I confidently approach with certainty
That I will master the writhing ghosts inside of me.
I quickly draw near to the cliffs, the point of ascension,
As pain reaches threshold, my screams release tension.
When I jump I see the world as it is,
A choice between love and light, pain indiscreet.
To steer my flight, to bathe in the sun’s heat,
I become the essence of my truth.
The darkness remains in limbo,
Here I am free to thrive, open to this uncanny liberation.

~A duet by Johnny Ojanpera and I. I really enjoyed writing this with him, he’s very talented. Check out his page!


Hurting Internally

There is a cold, dark place in me
Sometimes a prison, sometimes a sanctuary
When I feel close to opening up,
I run back there and seal the door shut
I don’t do this consciously, but I recognize
The pattern, helping along my demise
I need you to know how I feel
But, I’m caught in doubt, is this real?
The life I chose does not allow me
To have you more than internally
There have been so many damn times
I have typed so many painful lines
Only to delete before I could send
It terrifies me to think of an end
Where you never really knew
Just how much I truly love you…
But, when you’re in pain, It hurts me, too.
(…And hurting you is something I wish I’d never do.)

~Antanya


Remembering

It’s all so overwhelming,
When I think of you…
My mind is so condemning,
Though I love you true…
I may still need redeeming,
I don’t have a clue…
Maybe I’m only dreaming-
Remembering you.

~Antanya


Sunrise in the Storm

The steel grey clouds, dark in the sky
Bleak celestial scapes, stark in my eyes
Feel my spirit, calling with ardent cries
Touching a source of inspiration that never dies
A change begins, golden light breaks through
My heart becomes aware, awakening to you
I feel amazed, as the grey sky streaks with blue
Our souls speak, I know it’s true, every time I feel you…

~Antanya


Go Without

For the most part,
I can go without anything.
I’m not high-maintenance.
I go months without
Painting my nails
And I don’t need
To be wined and dined.
I’m fine with eating
Just enough to sate.
Drinking only water
Is not so bad.
I’m fine with sleeping
Just enough to rest.
…But, your love…
I can’t live without, AT ALL.
I know, I’ve tried.
Every time, I just die.

~Antanya


Contradictions

We are contradictions-
Dark braided with light
Demons and angels
Blinded by our sight

Soft on the surface
Hard underneath
Like soft feathers
With concrete beneath

Our love is fierce
Like most would hate
Longing to pierce
Lusting to sate

~Antanya


My Everything (Through Winter’s Cold)

ancient-lovers

I’ve never asked to be loved
I searched within then up above
I longed for something more
A soul I could explore
A much deeper feeling
A heart, mind worth stealing
It wasn’t enough for me
I found a friend, maybe he found me

I crossed my lines to make a way
I waited for him every day
We laughed like no tomorrow
He tried to soothe my sorrow
The feeling grew and grew
Until we felt we knew
Each others’ dreams and fears
Though distant, we shared the tears

We never touched, but we could feel
I’ll never deny, we are real
I couldn’t explain the feeling
All I knew was I was reeling
I’d never felt so connected
When I felt alone, neglected
He was the essence that saved me
I felt like I could be happy

My sun, my moon, my light
My morning, noon, my night
My everything and my all
Picking me up from my fall
Loving me in spite of who I am
My friend, my lover, my man
Has awakened new life in me
I give myself to him eternally

He is the one to whom my soul calls
The only one who was worth the fall
My deepest, most treasured fantasy
Will always be him here with me
Stronger than any physical bond
Of his heart and soul I’m eternally fond
Even when I’m alone I feel his hold
Carrying me through Winter’s cold

~A duet, by Bruised Belly from The Migraine Chronicles and I. 🙂
I really enjoyed writing with her, she’s an amazing writer. Check out her page!


Love: The Internal Truth

I wish I could truly let you in
You in me, me in you
Without separation of skin…

Could you close your eyes
And drift with me,
Our spirits flying into violet skies,
Our hearts in true harmony?

When I seek within my essence
My heart feels your presence
It drives me with a burning desire
To show you how much I admire
The beauty and depth within you-
Does the truth make sense to you?

~Antanya


Empathy (A Shoulder)

People always say-
“I’m here, if you want to talk.”
But what if I don’t want to talk?
Do you have a shoulder that I can just cry on?
I don’t want to explain, it’s making me feel worse.
I just want to cry.
The ultimate expression of empathy
Is when you let others express themselves
Without explanation, without guilt, without niceties-
Sometimes, that is just a mutual cry, sometimes it is offering
Your shoulder with your heart open and your mouth closed.

~Antanya

This one isn’t really a poem, just a train-of-thought.


The Opposite of Cheer

I believe in love and fulfillment,
The gratitude in paying it forward.
Showing appreciation
Is a direction I try to move toward.
So, why, in my efforts (there are many)
Do I always fall so fucking short?

When I feel like I can help,
Like I can give you something…
My fortitude crumbles, my feet fumble,
I weep as I am left with nothing.
It’s not emptiness that kills me,
But the longing to be generous,
To give to you until I don’t feel empty.

I feel sorry and unworthy,
Keep your attention far from me.
Because saying thank you is not enough
For them, for you, for us…
Merry fucking Christmas.

~Antanya


Song of Grace

Wow!