Dreams & Delusions…

Posts tagged “Acceptance

Priority

Most of my life
I’ve been on the back burner
Still functioning, but only in peripherals
The pretty one
(Like I chose my genetics)
The smart one
(Look this up for me)
The strong one
(You’ll survive)
The good listener
(Even when it’s really none of my business)
There have been moments
When I felt a soul’s connection-
A kindred who saw me
A spark in the dim
A heart to hold hands with
Even that didn’t last…
I am not anyone’s priority, and I am learning to become my own.
Maybe you won’t recognize me
This time.


Healing

The darkness within
Shatters,
The light suffuses
The fissures,
Broken open
To adhere
Pieces of identity,
Intertwined and integral-
Kintsugi of the mind.

~Antanya


Stoic Storm

Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t scream
Or struggle,
Or he won’t stop.
Let him get bored…
Be boring,
Stoic.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t say how
You feel
Or he will
Scream again,
Don’t communicate
So you can have
Peace.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
You can’t change
The choices she makes,
Tell her you’re worried,
But not where he can hear…
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
He will think
You’re weak,
So just take it,
It will be over soon.
He will say it was
Nothing.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And sometimes,
You remember
Harsh voices,
Unwanted hands,
Threats and violence.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And you scrape
Your pieces into a pile,
Breathe…
Pick them up
And hold them to your chest…
Breathe…
Mourn for the girl
Who used to be,
The one who hides
Within you still…
Breathe…
Love,
Heal,
Remember,
And Breathe…
Don’t react,
Just breathe…

~Antanya


Fuck It (Fuck You)

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

I wonder how it feels
To be entitled to
Friendliness and
Openly offended when
This is not the case…

I wonder how it feels
To have the audacity
To demand this from people
Without knowing their stories…
What makes you think it’s okay,
To ruin my morning with your assumptions
And cruelty?

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

~Antanya

Today I had a stranger corner me about my every day behavior, and had to explain my anxiety to them, because she felt like I owed her something. I spent the next hour and a half crying… I wish people could be more understanding, you never know how what you say will affect someone else, or what others are going through. Why couldn’t she just accept a simple “good morning”? I wish it would have been one.


Worth Their Weight

I remember

The raw pain

And the emptiness

That stretched along

The years…

I used to wish

I had never known you,

Though now

I am grateful

You found a way,

To show me

I’m not alone…

Gave me a love

To curl into

When everything else

Falls away.

I would rather have this

Passion and longing,

Darkness and light

Intertwined-

Than the absence,

The vacuous abyss…

The substance to crave

In the emptiness of

This fucked up world,

Companionship and love

Are worth

Their weight in pain.


Understanding

Anxiety became bearable

The moment I understood

What it was,

And where it came from.

I have always had an awkward

Sense of loneliness,

Even while around those

I love,

Who love me genuinely…

I’m not sure

If the loneliness is from being Misunderstood,

Or if I just don’t fit

With other humans…

And maybe it’s why

I have such a hard time

With letting go…

You met me in this space,

Gave my loneliness

A beautiful name,

Made a safe place

To lay out our mess,

Softened through the rain…

~Antanya


Everything I Can’t Say

Darkness,

Our rise,

And our downfall.

How many times

Have we met here?

Whispered,

Screamed,

Touched,

Held…

You don’t want to stay,

And I don’t blame you.

My heart still reaches for you,

I think it always will,

You were always

There for me

In the dark…

I will always wonder

Why we keep ending up

Here,

When all I feel

Is the empty,

The longing,

Stretching forever,

And your back

Walking away…

I feel-

Left with nothing,

And everything

I can’t say…

~Antanya


Too Much

I never mean to

Drag you down with me,

I don’t want to trouble you

Or to be too painful to hold,

But intention is not reality,

And we don’t always succeed

In doing as we say.

I’m sorry that I am

Boring

Selfish

Annoying

Short-sighted

Neurotic

Anxious,

I’m sorry

I

Am

Too

Much…

~Antanya


Grateful

It’s funny.

You can love your life

And all the people in it,

And still feel hurt and sad.

I am grateful for all

I have, all I’ve felt,

And all there is to come.

Every experience

Is an opportunity

To learn, to heal,

To love, to feel…

~Antanya


Delusion/Clarity

I love myself,

And I don’t feel

Lonely…

I start to feel

Like I can function,

Like I have healed…

Then my subconscious

Sabotages me.

I dream all sorts

Of strange and mesmerizing

Dreams,

And they are all about you…

When I wake,

I am devastated.

I do not sob and whimper

Like I used to,

But my heart aches,

My head hurts,

My body throbs…

Like the day you told me

You did not love me,

That I was a stranger,

When I thought…

I thought you,

You were the only one who saw

Me…

I love myself,

And I don’t feel

Lonely…

I miss you

And the delusion

That you loved me.

~Antanya


Internal Dialogue

We all say-

“I love too hard”

“I fell too hard”

“I’m too sensitive”

“Too intense”

“Too emotional”

“Too damaged”

“Too dramatic”

“Too different”

“Too anxious”

“Too timid”

“Too bold”

When what we mean is-

“I am willing to sacrifice for love”

“I believed in them”

“I have a strong intuition”

“I do not hide from emotion”

“I am willing to express emotion”

“I have been hurt, I know how to heal”

“I feel intensely”

“I know who I am”

“I desire safety”

“I dislike too much attention”

“I am not afraid to express myself”

When will we stop feeling “too”,

And start feeling “enough”…?

~Antanya


To Be…

When I dare to delve
In another’s mind
The same putrid perfectionism
that crushes me
Is all I find…
How would it feel,
To be accepted for me?
To be understood for real?
I can’t help but wonder,
As I grasp for what isn’t there,
As this lack pulls me under…

~Antanya