Entanglement
I fall into awareness,
Presence.
Chills through my limbs
And down my spine…
I see you,
In my mind’s eye-
It’s been a long time
Want to stay,
Safe and welcome-
Send my love,
And hope it catches
A trace of you.
Voice in the Void
I don’t like the space
Where loneliness leaves me.
I like to be alone,
But not lonely…
The screams are too loud
With no one’s voice to calm them,
And my throat hurts too bad to sing…
Do you have a voice strong enough
To harmonize with my demons,
To lend them a sentimental ring?
~Antanya
Fucked Up
I questioned you,
When I wanted to ask for help…
I didn’t know what to do,
Or how to be myself…
I’m so sorry,
I didn’t understand…
When I pushed you away,
It fucked up more than my hand.
We survived,
Though I can’t say
I’ve thrived,
I had to die
To stay alive…
I feel your soul, shivering-
Do you hear me, whispering?
I have a heart
With strong shutters,
Longing to keep you warm-
But, I can only show the fire,
I can’t pull you from the storm.
~Antanya
To Be…
When I dare to delve
In another’s mind
The same putrid perfectionism
that crushes me
Is all I find…
How would it feel,
To be accepted for me?
To be understood for real?
I can’t help but wonder,
As I grasp for what isn’t there,
As this lack pulls me under…
~Antanya
You Understand?
Yeah, it’s me
It’s you, too.
I don’t know
Why you act like someone else,
When all I want is you.
You tell me you understand,
I can’t help but doubt,
When you won’t touch my hand,
Or even hear me out…
~Antanya
Am I?
The sweet smile
That melts to sardonic smirk,
The light laughter
That heals the hurt…
The warm arms
That slip past,
The slow feeling
Speeding fast…
The deep, resonating breath
Where there was no air,
The smiling light of death
Tangled in your hair…
~Antanya
You Want to Know?
I still remember
When I first realized
I had let you in…
It scared me
How quickly you broke in.
I fell in love with your determination,
And I hoped that would stay,
That you would be the one
To see me,
The real me,
not the me everyone knows…
The parts of me that scream,
That struggle for freedom,
Even as I clamp them back shut…
But, you lost interest,
and I’m still lost.
Some people say they want in,
But, aren’t willing to pay the cost.
Let me see you,
If you want to know the truth.
I’ll show you mine,
After you cross that line.
Anything else,
Is wasting our time…
~Antanya
In the Worst Way
I’ve always had some
Kind of awkward loneliness
About me-
People smile and hug me,
But seldom do they truly touch
My core, my soul.
Why is it that the ones who do
Are never comfortable
With staying so close?
Don’t you see-
How your presence comforts me?
But, then you are pulling away,
And I’m alone,
Lonely, in the worst way.
While you run away,
Off to your life-
Forever on the edge of mine.
~Antanya
Mirrored Walls
You keep digging, what do you think you’ll find?
If you won’t let me in, you won’t know my mind.
You think you know, but all you see are my mirrored walls.
I refuse to open up when you can’t hear my spirit’s calls…
If you keep pushing, I’ll piss you off. I’m programmed to offend.
Unless you try to help, to understand, my mind will only defend.
Give me a reason to trust you, if you want to see deep inside…
I don’t let just anyone in the dark cave where my demons hide.
~Antanya
Through the Fog poetry 