The Silence
I miss
The silence
Between our
Nervous words,
The safety
In the rhythm
Of your breath,
The longing to
Reach out,
Reach you…
Before the
Uncertainty
Murdered
The moment,
When the connection
Was almost enough…
I miss
The silence…
Free With You
I have learned
My addiction
Is to the belonging,
The space you held
Me,
For me,
With me.
Our imaginary escape,
Real within our hearts,
Kept us alive,
Though we both felt
Like death.
I am grateful.
I am hurting.
I am loving.
I am lost.
Again-
And again.
I just want to
Be free,
With you.
~Antanya
Complex Paradox
When you feel so far,
When your words
Don’t seem real
When your glance slides away,
I feel small and unremarkable,
Disappointing and empty.
When you are not here,
When the dark
Feels so deep,
When I feel so much I can’t say,
I long to show you and be stripped
Of this panic,
This need and desire…
To be swept away.
I try to focus
On my life,
On everything I have
And am grateful for,
But, you are always
Distracting in my periphery…
Endlessly addictive and sensual,
Teasing treaturously.
Your distance is a paradox,
Leaves me in wonderment,
Of an adoration so complex…
~Antanya
Wonder
The weight of your gravity
Feels immense and ancient,
Like we have danced for ages,
As the stars in the constellations
Swirled and orbited
In the same timeless patterns.
My heart is forever bound
To this ancestral longing,
A glimpse of you stirs my spirit
Into mysterious discovery-
The wonder is the muse.
~Antanya
Fuck Logic
You bring me:
A feral joy,
A determinate hunger,
A terrific tension,
A passionate purpose…
An irrational inspiration
That I can’t ignore.
No matter the struggle,
You are the one-
I long for,
Fight for,
Adore.
❤
~Antanya
Please…
Tell me.
Tell me how.
Tell me how to be with you.
Show me.
Show me now.
Show me now that you want me.
I do.
I do see.
I do see you reaching out for me.
I will.
I will love.
I will love you the way we both need.
First, I need you to-
Tell me.
Show me.
~Antanya
Dark Sanctuary
I don’t know
How to let go…
You’re the best
Lover
I’ve (n)ever known.
Even after all these years,
The love is stronger than the fear…
Aware of your desire,
Caught somewhere between
Despair and passion’s fire.
Feeling your touch,
Melding deep in my soul…
Wanting you so much,
You rip me apart…
Reassemble me till I’m whole.
Wrap your hands around me,
Bind me to you, where I feel free…
Let me kiss away the pain you hold within,
Your teeth drawing the heat from my skin…
Consume me in the flame of your lustful need,
Our passionate screams crescendo as we feed…
Your fingers intertwine with mine
In the darkness, where we find
Sanctuary, in the depths of our minds.
~Antanya
You in Me
I meditate
On love,
Light,
Healing…
I try to be
The best I can be.
The more I
Self-actualize,
The more I
Realize…
You are
An indelible part
Of me,
The more conscious
I become,
The more precious
You are to me.
The more I realize
I’m blind,
The more I see
The pieces of you I find
Hidden, deep within me.
~Antanya
Awake or Asleep
My early mornings
Are laced with dreams-
Tender, teasing touches,
Passionate kisses,
Whispers and growls,
Bodies and breath,
Writhing in rhythmic cycles…
Your touch goes soul-deep
Whether I’m awake or asleep.
My most treasured fantasies,
My deepest desires,
Are yours to keep…
I don’t need to understand-
My longing soul is caressed
By your strong, soothing hands.
~Antanya
Flame & Tide (Heart & Mind)
I’ve been closing out
The thoughts that
Thrive on fear and doubt…
Opening my heart
Where I feel close to you,
We are never apart…
I feel you inside,
Keeping our sacred flame
Safe from the tide…
The thoughts that drag me under
Dissolve in my love for you,
And I’m left in wonder…
When I’m silent,
My need for you is
Gently violent…
~Antanya
When the Longing Meets the Dream
The ache
In my body
Never matches
The ache
In my heart-
The dream
In my head
Never matches
The dream
In my soul-
When the longing
Meets the dream
Like You and I
We’ll stay,
We’ll be whole.
It comforts me
When your heart
Whispers to my soul,
When your spirit
Kisses my heart
I know there will be
A timeline where
We are one,
No longer apart.
Dreaming Again
I had strange dreams last night,
And I woke with a dangerous hope,
Though I had not dreamed of you,
I had dreamed again, and that-
That made me smile,
For, if I am dreaming again-
I’m bound to find you,
I hope you are reaching, too.
~Antanya
In the Worst Way
I’ve always had some
Kind of awkward loneliness
About me-
People smile and hug me,
But seldom do they truly touch
My core, my soul.
Why is it that the ones who do
Are never comfortable
With staying so close?
Don’t you see-
How your presence comforts me?
But, then you are pulling away,
And I’m alone,
Lonely, in the worst way.
While you run away,
Off to your life-
Forever on the edge of mine.
~Antanya
Spiraling
I never can tell
Where the words go
Or why they fail
To take my longing with them…
It’s cruel, really
To be left with
A want-
A need
So strong
That wraps me in knots-
That cannot be expressed
In any form available to me…
When words are not adequate,
I can only hope
That you know…
I can only dream
Of our hearts touching,
Of our souls spiraling
Through the silence-
Writing our own Symphony.
~Antanya
Grey (Void)
Grey.
There is no
Light or dark,
Black or white,
Here.
There is only me
And my uncertain fear.
Hope is like a memory
That feels locked in periphery…
I feel traces of you, still…
Like smoke in the air,
Like soot on my skin,
Ashes in the water.
You’ve infiltrated
My inner void,
There is no empty,
When you still fill me.
There is no peace
From the call,
There is no break
For the fall.
I feel so lonely,
Disconnected
From it all…
Grey.
There is no
Light or dark,
Black or white,
Here.
There is only me
And my uncertain fear…
~Antanya
Through the Fog poetry 