Priority
Most of my life
I’ve been on the back burner
Still functioning, but only in peripherals
The pretty one
(Like I chose my genetics)
The smart one
(Look this up for me)
The strong one
(You’ll survive)
The good listener
(Even when it’s really none of my business)
There have been moments
When I felt a soul’s connection-
A kindred who saw me
A spark in the dim
A heart to hold hands with
Even that didn’t last…
I am not anyone’s priority, and I am learning to become my own.
Maybe you won’t recognize me
This time.
Mercy
I forgive myself,
No longer burdened
With the guilt of past
Loneliness,
Or how we staved it off.
I see now
How I have kept myself
Small,
Folded me into a note
That could fit in your pocket,
Just to feel your warmth.
I forgive myself:
For forgetting
I have my own,
And for seeking it
Elsewhere.
For limiting my
Experience,
Making everything scarce
So that I could see
More of you.
I forgive myself-
I forgive you.
I love myself-
And I love you.
~Antanya
The Silence
I miss
The silence
Between our
Nervous words,
The safety
In the rhythm
Of your breath,
The longing to
Reach out,
Reach you…
Before the
Uncertainty
Murdered
The moment,
When the connection
Was almost enough…
I miss
The silence…
Healing
The darkness within
Shatters,
The light suffuses
The fissures,
Broken open
To adhere
Pieces of identity,
Intertwined and integral-
Kintsugi of the mind.
~Antanya
Stoic Storm
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t scream
Or struggle,
Or he won’t stop.
Let him get bored…
Be boring,
Stoic.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t say how
You feel
Or he will
Scream again,
Don’t communicate
So you can have
Peace.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
You can’t change
The choices she makes,
Tell her you’re worried,
But not where he can hear…
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
He will think
You’re weak,
So just take it,
It will be over soon.
He will say it was
Nothing.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And sometimes,
You remember
Harsh voices,
Unwanted hands,
Threats and violence.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And you scrape
Your pieces into a pile,
Breathe…
Pick them up
And hold them to your chest…
Breathe…
Mourn for the girl
Who used to be,
The one who hides
Within you still…
Breathe…
Love,
Heal,
Remember,
And Breathe…
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
~Antanya
Bloom
We have been
Singed with frost,
Soaked in rain,
Shredded by wind,
Yet we still remain.
Standing tall,
Unwavering…
Tending the roots,
Pruning back the
Dead wood,
Culling and cultivating,
Until Spring reminds us
To Bloom.
~Antanya
Grateful
It’s funny.
You can love your life
And all the people in it,
And still feel hurt and sad.
I am grateful for all
I have, all I’ve felt,
And all there is to come.
Every experience
Is an opportunity
To learn, to heal,
To love, to feel…
~Antanya
Internal Dialogue
We all say-
“I love too hard”
“I fell too hard”
“I’m too sensitive”
“Too intense”
“Too emotional”
“Too damaged”
“Too dramatic”
“Too different”
“Too anxious”
“Too timid”
“Too bold”
When what we mean is-
“I am willing to sacrifice for love”
“I believed in them”
“I have a strong intuition”
“I do not hide from emotion”
“I am willing to express emotion”
“I have been hurt, I know how to heal”
“I feel intensely”
“I know who I am”
“I desire safety”
“I dislike too much attention”
“I am not afraid to express myself”
When will we stop feeling “too”,
And start feeling “enough”…?
~Antanya
Traumatized
I have been traumatized.
I have watched the ones I love
Slowly succumb to the madness
They always deny.
Deny,
As if it will give the trauma less weight.
Sometimes, I want to scream-
To shake their shoulders and remind them
That it’s okay to feel,
To be the broken selves that we have become,
To accept that things have been done
That were never
Okay,
To remember that there are people
Who can never be allowed back,
And that is okay.
Oh, but when they rip the mask away,
That is when I want to hold them,
To kiss away all the ugliness that has fused
With the hearts of those who long to forget.
I want to brush away those invisible tears,
To whisper, in a voice louder than the fears-
“You are now.
You are loved.
You are alive.
You are here.”
~Antanya
None of my Business
It’s none of my business,
But that is hard to remember,
When all I want to know is this,
Your love, warm and tender…
It’s none of my business,
What you think of me,
But, my heart is a mess
Of all I want, of all we could be…
It’s none of my business,
Unless it’s you, reaching too…
Burning the pain, destroying distress-
Hoping at the end, for you.
~Antanya
Labyrinthine Solace
Walking a labyrinth of trees,
The ancient giants whisper to me:
“We are broken, we are whole…
We know the secrets of your soul…”
Those who throw me over the edge,
Don’t realize, I need no ledge
To cling to…
I found comfort in the healing sound-
Dark whispers of the stones,
Humming in the ground…
There is a darkness in earth, too-
Strength and power that renews…
A deep solace that rings true,
As my heart calls for you…
~Antanya
I’m Here
You keep saying you’re alone,
Even while I huddle to your side…
The want of you creates a low moan,
Pulled by your tide, from the inside…
I don’t know how to show you-
You are not beneath me,
I’m here beside you.
My soul cries-
Love, open your eyes.
~Antanya
Why…?
It seems when I come together,
The world around me falls apart…
Why can’t I be whole
Without breaking my heart?
Why does the Universe test me
Just when I become steady?
Why must the intensity of the moment
Force me to remain dormant?
Why does anger still consume me
To the point of insanity?
Why are some people amused
With how innocents are abused?
Why does the shroud confuse me
When I finally gain clarity?
When I scream inwardly for silence,
Why am I always met with violence?
~Antanya
Convergence
We keep circling,
Like Vultures,
Ravens,
Dragons…
We never swoop too near,
Like intimacy is our greatest fear…
What would happen
If we touched?
If our feathers softly brushed,
Like the softness of a lover’s touch…
If our talons intertwined,
Like hands locked with passion…
If our scales collided,
Like energetic bodies or stars…
Would we be satisfied?
I think I would find another way
To explore you, past what you say…
I wonder how deep you would dive
To practice the love, to keep us alive…
I need your heart impossibly near,
Our bond can eradicate the fear…
If we let ourselves love and feel,
I know we can find a way to heal,
But, we need to believe WE are real…
~Antanya
Mirror of Equinox
I’m tired of rest,
I’m ready to give my best-
My pain is not me.
No more struggling for breath
Or contemplating death-
My illness is not me.
I condemn the mirror,
Won’t give into the horror-
My body is not me.
I won’t allow myself to sink,
No drowning in ink-
My mind is not me.
I’m opening to light,
Where love finds sight-
My heart is me.
Taking the opportunity,
Open to possibility-
My soul is me.
Holding you dear,
Love keeps you near-
My love is me.
When we break away from fear,
We come together here-
You are me.
~Antanya
Dichotomy
Within me-
There is a dichotomy
Between needing
You to love me
The same way
I love you
And needing
You not to hurt
The way I do…
It’s impossible-
How it still
Comforts my heart,
Constricts my throat
To imagine you
Thinking of me…
I’d rather face it
Together than apart,
But, where do we start?
~Antanya
Star Soul
I’ve been in the dark so long,
I’ve grown accustomed to this-
But, this is no ordinary abyss…
My night vision sharpened,
I see more than black here,
My vision no longer veiled by fear…
Violet, indigo, and deep green
Swirl in the endless dense fog
Within… My dark is not empty.
I’ve wandered for what seems
Like an eternity, I don’t remember
Beginning, or ever being aware
Of an end, it just is… I just am.
In my wanderings, I found
The synergistic bond within,
Where darkness and light
Are no longer opposite…
Where they run parallel,
Twisting, flowing like water…
Intertwining in double-helixes,
In intricate, infinite knots…
For within me, there is also
A well of stars and molten gold.
A pool of the purest source,
I’m drawn into it’s healing force…
An awareness washes over me,
This is the love I was created to be…
I’ll dip my fingers in liquid light,
And dance, slinging luminescence
Through this dark, until you see me
Until I see you, feel you, heal you…
And the smile in your heart heals me, too…
Do not fear the duality in your soul,
It’s this very struggle which keeps you whole.
We thrive in darkness, as well as light,
We need both, to remember what’s right.
I’ll hold you within, ’til the dawn breaks bright,
Loving and healing you through this long night…
~Antanya
Who Needs Opiates? (I Have Dreams)
I caught a glimpse
Of you, last night.
I recognized you,
For the first time
In a long time…
Felt the longing
And the understanding,
Just enough to leave
The imprint of memory…
A second of warmth
Before waking…
Shivering in cold sweat,
Too early to rise,
With an ache that
Wouldn’t go away…
I drifted back
Into empty darkness
And woke in a fog
Of remembrance…
Please, torture me
Some more.
Let me dream
Of whom I adore,
So, in waking,
This pain,
I can ignore…
Through the Fog poetry 