Dreams & Delusions…

Posts tagged “Anxiety

Fractured

Iridescent shards⁣
Of my past⁣
Stick in the callouses⁣
On the bottoms⁣
Of my soiled feet,⁣
I try so hard to step⁣
Gently, purposefully-⁣
Then brush the shards⁣
Away from my skin, ⁣
Pain persists⁣
And the microscopic⁣
Daggers still embed⁣
Their way into me,⁣
The bloody remnants⁣
Of fear⁣
Leave me raw,⁣
Restless and uncertain-⁣
Lost in me, ⁣
Again.⁣


Mercy

I forgive myself,⁣
No longer burdened⁣
With the guilt of past⁣
Loneliness,⁣
Or how we staved it off.⁣

I see now⁣
How I have kept myself⁣
Small,⁣
Folded me into a note⁣
That could fit in your pocket,⁣
Just to feel your warmth.⁣

I forgive myself:⁣
For forgetting⁣
I have my own,⁣
And for seeking it⁣
Elsewhere.⁣

For limiting my⁣
Experience,⁣
Making everything scarce⁣
So that I could see⁣
More of you.⁣

I forgive myself-⁣
I forgive you.⁣
I love myself-⁣
And I love you.⁣

~Antanya


Stoic Storm

Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t scream
Or struggle,
Or he won’t stop.
Let him get bored…
Be boring,
Stoic.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t say how
You feel
Or he will
Scream again,
Don’t communicate
So you can have
Peace.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
You can’t change
The choices she makes,
Tell her you’re worried,
But not where he can hear…
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
He will think
You’re weak,
So just take it,
It will be over soon.
He will say it was
Nothing.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And sometimes,
You remember
Harsh voices,
Unwanted hands,
Threats and violence.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And you scrape
Your pieces into a pile,
Breathe…
Pick them up
And hold them to your chest…
Breathe…
Mourn for the girl
Who used to be,
The one who hides
Within you still…
Breathe…
Love,
Heal,
Remember,
And Breathe…
Don’t react,
Just breathe…

~Antanya


Fuck It (Fuck You)

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

I wonder how it feels
To be entitled to
Friendliness and
Openly offended when
This is not the case…

I wonder how it feels
To have the audacity
To demand this from people
Without knowing their stories…
What makes you think it’s okay,
To ruin my morning with your assumptions
And cruelty?

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

~Antanya

Today I had a stranger corner me about my every day behavior, and had to explain my anxiety to them, because she felt like I owed her something. I spent the next hour and a half crying… I wish people could be more understanding, you never know how what you say will affect someone else, or what others are going through. Why couldn’t she just accept a simple “good morning”? I wish it would have been one.


Too Much

I never mean to

Drag you down with me,

I don’t want to trouble you

Or to be too painful to hold,

But intention is not reality,

And we don’t always succeed

In doing as we say.

I’m sorry that I am

Boring

Selfish

Annoying

Short-sighted

Neurotic

Anxious,

I’m sorry

I

Am

Too

Much…

~Antanya


Internal Dialogue

We all say-

“I love too hard”

“I fell too hard”

“I’m too sensitive”

“Too intense”

“Too emotional”

“Too damaged”

“Too dramatic”

“Too different”

“Too anxious”

“Too timid”

“Too bold”

When what we mean is-

“I am willing to sacrifice for love”

“I believed in them”

“I have a strong intuition”

“I do not hide from emotion”

“I am willing to express emotion”

“I have been hurt, I know how to heal”

“I feel intensely”

“I know who I am”

“I desire safety”

“I dislike too much attention”

“I am not afraid to express myself”

When will we stop feeling “too”,

And start feeling “enough”…?

~Antanya


Mirrored Walls

You keep digging, what do you think you’ll find?
If you won’t let me in, you won’t know my mind.
You think you know, but all you see are my mirrored walls.
I refuse to open up when you can’t hear my spirit’s calls…
If you keep pushing, I’ll piss you off. I’m programmed to offend.
Unless you try to help, to understand, my mind will only defend.
Give me a reason to trust you, if you want to see deep inside…
I don’t let just anyone in the dark cave where my demons hide.

~Antanya