Dreams & Delusions…

Creative Writing/ Short Story

Delusion/Clarity

I love myself,

And I don’t feel

Lonely…

I start to feel

Like I can function,

Like I have healed…

Then my subconscious

Sabotages me.

I dream all sorts

Of strange and mesmerizing

Dreams,

And they are all about you…

When I wake,

I am devastated.

I do not sob and whimper

Like I used to,

But my heart aches,

My head hurts,

My body throbs…

Like the day you told me

You did not love me,

That I was a stranger,

When I thought…

I thought you,

You were the only one who saw

Me…

I love myself,

And I don’t feel

Lonely…

I miss you

And the delusion

That you loved me.

~Antanya


Tea Party

Poe sneered,
“No, that would never do.  Not dark or ambiguous enough.”
Dickinson lamented,
“Your thoughts are poison, immoral and useless to the greater good.”
Hemingway drunkenly laughed and baltered,
“Write yourself to oblivion, you’ll find the meaning someday.”
Osho and Rumi sat in quiet philosophy, too patient to be ruffled.
I wrote in scribbles that carved into the dark wooden table, and wondered what sanity would be like, if I were able…
I’d suddenly had enough.
I flipped the table, spilled the hot tea all over me, and screamed,
“Fuck off!  Leave me be!”
They stared, then laughed at me.
“Now you know, now you see.”

~Antanya


Grandfather Clock

When I was little,
I was afraid of my Grandmother’s
Grandfather clock.
It terrified
And fascinated me
In a way
I could not grasp
Or explain at the time….

It was a beautiful thing,
Carved ornately
And stained dark.
I admired it from afar,
But made sure
I never lingered too near.
The brass work at the top
Was simple,
It showed the moon’s phases.

My Grandmother
Would turn the chimes off
When I came to visit
So they would not
Terrify me at night…
They would make
Me scream and shake
In the middle of the night
When she forgot to…

I remember one day,
I worked up the courage
And sat on the floor
Next to the wooden cabinet.
I peered down into the dark,
And it was so black,
I could not see the bottom…

I’m not afraid
Of Grandfather clocks
Anymore…
I am a Grandfather clock.
Attractive from afar,
but sit down next to me,
Look inside…

You always run and hide….

~Antanya


The Well

I needed… Something.
Maybe just to feel alive…
I decided to go for a ride,
I let myself run inside…
Back to the wise old forest,
Hoping I could get some peace and rest.
I came to an ancient well,
Exhausted, I fell.
I gathered myself onto my knees,
Kneeled by the water to drink…
As my cupped hand started to dip,
I felt an alarmingly strong grip!
I fought and struggled with everything in me,
I don’t know who or what grabbed me,
It was too dark to see…
My body didn’t want to drown,
…But, my soul was so damn thirsty!
Half of me fought to break free,
Half of me thought you loved me…
I’m still fighting with this hold,
Pulling me in the dark water, so cold…
I still wonder if this is delusion or confusion…
My heart and soul long for a solution.

~Antanya


Lost Sanctuary

I’ve been reminiscing lately…
I reread some of the thoughts
I’ve recorded along the way
I realize-
I haven’t let go.
I haven’t moved on.
I haven’t even moved.
I’ve been still.
For so long.
I never changed.
I just shifted
My perceptions
Until they were
Beautiful
To me.

When I look
Inside now,
I see-
This place has become
Dark
and
Dirty.
The windows
Are long-due
For a cleaning.
Fragments of you
And shards of me
Are mixed
In dust piles
Covered in cobwebs
On loose, creaky floorboards.

A player-piano
Plays a painfully
Out-of-tune
Refrain…
Tears drip
From obscure eyes
On keys
That move
like ghosts
In golden-hued
Motes of dust.

Walls twist
Like earthquake rubble-
In ways that aren’t possible
To remain standing
In waking worlds.
Stained-glass shards
Fall like deadly glitter
On dingy, ornate brocade-
Tapestries that once shone
With richness and glory.

The princess grew
Into a queen
But no one remembered.
The tower stayed locked
Nobody bothered
To scale walls
Forgotten,
Covered in thorns.

I’ve waited here
For so long-
I feel ethereal.
If you tried
To touch me now,
Maybe I would
Just shimmer,
Disappear,
Evanescent,
In forgotten dreams…

Would you cry
If I wasn’t real,
Would you even try
To feel?
Would you be happy
That you could no longer
See me?
Would you scream
In horror
Like I was a bad dream?

Maybe I’ve faded away,
Like every memory
I’ve been scared to let you
Discard…
Maybe…
There is no me.
Maybe…
I’m just a ghost,
A lost memory…

~Antanya


Ghosts (Magic Madness pt. 6)

When I speak of my ghosts
I’m not speaking of you
You haunt me in different ways
…Though, no less true…

Don’t misunderstand me
It’s not what you do
But what I do with it
That breaks me
Over
and
Over
and
Over…

What do I do
With what I can’t express?
…With what leaves me
Dumbstruck and breathless?
How do I cope with
What I can’t
Confess?

When I speak of my ghosts
I’m not speaking of you
You haunt me in different ways
…Though, no less true…

~Antanya


Protection, Redemption (Magic Madness pt. 5)

I’m awake again-
He’s screaming
And I can’t save him
He says he doesn’t know
When I ask
What’s wrong?
Oh, but I know…
These pains in me
Are seeping into him
He’s feeling my jagged edges
Pushed into him like glass
My demons haunt him
As if they were his own
He can’t deal
With darkness he’s never known
This pain I can’t share
Is breaking his mind
If I could protect him
It would be my redemption
But I don’t know how
I’d do anything
If I knew
That it would lead me
Back to you
But I don’t know
What to do
I can’t find you…
I’m selfish and weak
I can’t bring myself to speak
I remember a companion,
Strong and true
But I can’t be close to you
…And I don’t know what to do…
Do you?

~Antanya


Raised by Ghosts (Magic Madness pt. 4)

I’ve been haunted
As long as I remember
I was raised by ghosts
You see
They are simply
Part of me
I want to be free
From their clutches on me
So I delve deeper,
Aim higher
Push harder
Ban the blindness
So I can see…
So I can love freely…

~Antanya


Sensitivities (Magic Madness pt. 3)

The veil
Has always been thin
In me
Sometimes the dead
Touch me
Dark spirits hover
Tendrils of thought
Devour
My light
I’m paralyzed
They always said
I’ve been sensitive
But do they know
The half of it?
Do you know where
Anxiety lies?
Have you felt the source?
Have you touched dark desires
Knowing they are not your own?
Have you been bound
In darkness
Not able to scream?
Have you had dreams
Nightmares
That turned out true?
Intuition itches
Inside
I rage
I feel the torment
I know my guardians
Are gone.
Time to be my own.
The time has come-
Consume
Or
Be
Consumed.
To protect everyone
I love
Before it’s too late.

~Antanya


Dark Talents (Magic Madness pt. 2)

I hear the knocking
The demons
Are breaking
The door
I’m pressed against
The opposite wall
I feel them
Sniffing
Me
Out
I need to
Make a decision-
Break out
And run
Be exposed
But still pure
Or open the door
Invite them in
Lay with them
Fuck the secrets
Out of these
Dark corners
Dance with the desires
That I’ve always feared
This madness
Threatens everything
I hold sacred
I’m glad you only get glimpses
Because the whole picture
Would shock you
Would break your mind
I’m more than you think
More than I want to be
I have talents
No one sees
That scare me
You can’t save me
I need to save you
From me.

~Antanya


Magic Madness

I feel myself sinking
Into depths I once avoided
Darkness envelops me
I feel desires and truths
That are not mine
Secrets are becoming
Real again
Half-heard whispers
Make me shiver
I look into your eyes
While you hold me
I feel dark energy
Pouring from me
Into you
I see my own madness
In your irises
I want to scream
I want to flail
But I kiss you
Long and slow
You say, under your breath…
“You have magic, when you know how to use it.”
All at once
My heart is a thousand icy needles
You voice my fear
So easily
I want to scream
I want to flail
I want to break the world
I want to burn in my mind
I want to apologize
For not knowing
How to use it
For being afraid
That I will break you
That I will break us both
But I hold you to me
And cry silently
Into your chest
I won’t give
Myself away
I just hope
We can survive this…

~Antanya


Just a Box

It was  a long time ago,
When you found
That weathered black box
Sinking in the sand.
You almost stepped on it,
Your toes brushed against
Cool metal,
Pitted, worn, and strange.
It was twisted and still somehow whole.
It looked battered,
It had been beaten
By the waves, sand, and wind.
You took it home,
Placed it on the shelf,
And stared at it…
“What is it?”

You eventually forgot.
Your beach treasure sat on the shelf.
You lived your life.
You struggled, fought, and bled.
You cried alone.
You were alone.
You longed for comfort, for love…

One night, something woke you.
There was a bright, strange light in your room.
Ultraviolet,
It was blinding.
The boxes edges burst,
And as the light flooded the room,
It died.

The box was gone,
But, you were not alone.
You were in the dark,
But, you had seen the brightest light.
One hopeless night…
This love came to mold you,
My heart came to hold you…

…But, what do I know?
I’m just a box.

~Antanya