Dreams & Delusions…

Author Archive

Beautiful

I have a strange relationship⁣⁣
With the word “beautiful”.⁣⁣
Now, I know this is⁣⁣
Supposed to be⁣⁣
A compliment,⁣⁣
Is a rite of passage for some-⁣⁣
But, when I am called beautiful,⁣⁣
I seldom feel a lift in mood,⁣⁣
That word puts me on alert…⁣⁣
Every time someone wants something⁣⁣
From me, it always starts with “beautiful”-⁣⁣
As if attraction is an excuse for abuse,⁣⁣
For ignorance of my boundaries, or of my emotional state.⁣⁣
I am not ungrateful that my physical presence is treasured,⁣⁣
Though, I notice…⁣⁣
So many enjoy looking at me,⁣⁣
But the conversation grows stale⁣⁣
When I try to interact,⁣⁣
When I move from a decoration to a soul.⁣⁣
I don’t speak to deaf ears.⁣⁣
I’m not a fucking decoration.⁣⁣
I’m a frustrated woman.⁣⁣
More than beautiful,⁣⁣
Alive.⁣⁣
~Antanya⁣⁣


Entanglement

I fall into awareness,⁣
Presence.⁣
Chills through my limbs⁣
And down my spine…⁣
I see you,⁣
In my mind’s eye-⁣
It’s been a long time⁣
Want to stay,⁣
Safe and welcome-⁣
Send my love,⁣
And hope it catches⁣
A trace of you.


Moth

You are everywhere I am.
I am draped in your presence,
Shivers down my spine
And warmth in my heart…
The rage and sorrow
Intertwine
With love and adoration.
I know the hand that reaches,
And though you beckon
Where I can’t follow,
I am mesmerized by the synergy-
I’ve always been fascinated with flame.


Existential Dread

…And people tell you to follow your dreams, but when you think of dreams, all you see is black, empty nothing, because all you’ve ever hoped for was to make it, and you did, but you didn’t… And what is there to reach for, when all you have energy for is breathing, and when you want to talk, they want to yell, or fight, or fuck, or anything but fucking listen…

I get dramatic when I’m sick and tired…

Forgive me.


I talk to myself,⁣⁣
Because I know⁣⁣
I’m the only one⁣⁣
Who will listen.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
My throat⁣⁣
And my fingers ache,⁣⁣
Heavy with the words⁣⁣
I can’t seem to find-⁣⁣
I miss you⁣⁣
So fucking much.⁣⁣

I know that if we⁣⁣
Are truly connected,⁣⁣
You are never really gone…⁣⁣
I see your hand reaching for me,⁣⁣
But all I can do is bleed,⁣⁣
I hear you, calling,⁣⁣
But I can’t speak.⁣⁣

I swallow my feelings⁣⁣
In my dry throat⁣⁣
And wish that I could cry.⁣⁣
⁣⁣
I talk to myself,⁣⁣
Because I know⁣⁣
I’m the only one⁣⁣
Who will listen.⁣⁣


Fractured

Iridescent shards⁣
Of my past⁣
Stick in the callouses⁣
On the bottoms⁣
Of my soiled feet,⁣
I try so hard to step⁣
Gently, purposefully-⁣
Then brush the shards⁣
Away from my skin, ⁣
Pain persists⁣
And the microscopic⁣
Daggers still embed⁣
Their way into me,⁣
The bloody remnants⁣
Of fear⁣
Leave me raw,⁣
Restless and uncertain-⁣
Lost in me, ⁣
Again.⁣


Mercy

I forgive myself,⁣
No longer burdened⁣
With the guilt of past⁣
Loneliness,⁣
Or how we staved it off.⁣

I see now⁣
How I have kept myself⁣
Small,⁣
Folded me into a note⁣
That could fit in your pocket,⁣
Just to feel your warmth.⁣

I forgive myself:⁣
For forgetting⁣
I have my own,⁣
And for seeking it⁣
Elsewhere.⁣

For limiting my⁣
Experience,⁣
Making everything scarce⁣
So that I could see⁣
More of you.⁣

I forgive myself-⁣
I forgive you.⁣
I love myself-⁣
And I love you.⁣

~Antanya


Watercolor

You will always⁣
Find me⁣
Where the light⁣
Fades, melds⁣
Into dark…⁣
Autumnal soul-⁣
Forever diving⁣
Into the galaxies⁣
In my mind,⁣
In your heart…⁣
Watercolor emotion,⁣
Bleeding into black.


The Silence

I miss⁣
The silence⁣
Between our⁣
Nervous words,⁣
The safety⁣
In the rhythm⁣
Of your breath,⁣
The longing to⁣
Reach out,⁣
Reach you…⁣
Before the⁣
Uncertainty ⁣
Murdered⁣
The moment,⁣
When the connection⁣
Was almost enough…⁣
I miss⁣
The silence…⁣


Double

As I return to myself,
I return to you.
When I see myself
In a mirror,
You are a double exposure
In the frame.
You are as close as blood…
As I breathe,
I feel your breath.
As I reach,
I can almost
Feel your hand…


A Real Difference

Right wing extremists
Are so stuck in their narrative,
They are tone-deaf to the collective.
Left wing extremists
Have forsaken their boundaries,
They are easy prey to the Universe.
Listen.
Connect.
Have boundaries.
Give a fuck.
Make a real difference.


Mute

The ache⁣
Steals the words⁣
From my tongue,⁣
The pain⁣
Scrapes the memories⁣
Through my brain…⁣
How do you speak⁣
So easily,⁣
Why do I fall silent ⁣
When my heart screams?


Start Softly

Hold me,⠀
I will hold you back,⠀
Lay with me⠀
And whisper all of those secrets⠀
We don’t share with anyone else…⠀
I need to be vulnerable⠀
And know that I am safe⠀
Before I can let you in…⠀
Once we have shared enough,⠀
We can let the real fun begin.⠀

~Antanya


Grief

I read somewhere,⠀
“Grief is love with nowhere to go”.⠀
Today I am full of a love⠀
Not for myself,⠀
That does not include direction,⠀
Only memories…⠀
And I cannot help but think⠀
I am grief.⠀

~Antanya


Abyss

My heart still reaches
For you- in the dark…
Mind remembers,
The burn- after the spark…

Emptiness does not
Speak to me,
Your substance
Must become
My sustenance.

Want is nothing,
Without the love.
I see you wanting,
But it’s not enough…

~Antanya


Solace

Seeking Solitude
Soothing Song
Of Sirens
Screaming
Me to Sleep
Salacious Storms
Sliding between
Seductive Speculations
Surreal and Sublime
Solace of Serendipity


Healing

The darkness within
Shatters,
The light suffuses
The fissures,
Broken open
To adhere
Pieces of identity,
Intertwined and integral-
Kintsugi of the mind.

~Antanya


Stoic Storm

Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t scream
Or struggle,
Or he won’t stop.
Let him get bored…
Be boring,
Stoic.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t say how
You feel
Or he will
Scream again,
Don’t communicate
So you can have
Peace.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
You can’t change
The choices she makes,
Tell her you’re worried,
But not where he can hear…
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
He will think
You’re weak,
So just take it,
It will be over soon.
He will say it was
Nothing.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And sometimes,
You remember
Harsh voices,
Unwanted hands,
Threats and violence.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And you scrape
Your pieces into a pile,
Breathe…
Pick them up
And hold them to your chest…
Breathe…
Mourn for the girl
Who used to be,
The one who hides
Within you still…
Breathe…
Love,
Heal,
Remember,
And Breathe…
Don’t react,
Just breathe…

~Antanya


Bloom

We have been
Singed with frost,
Soaked in rain,
Shredded by wind,
Yet we still remain.
Standing tall,
Unwavering…
Tending the roots,
Pruning back the
Dead wood,
Culling and cultivating,
Until Spring reminds us
To Bloom.

~Antanya


Free With You

I have learned
My addiction
Is to the belonging,
The space you held
Me,
For me,
With me.
Our imaginary escape,
Real within our hearts,
Kept us alive,
Though we both felt
Like death.
I am grateful.
I am hurting.
I am loving.
I am lost.
Again-
And again.
I just want to
Be free,
With you.

~Antanya


Fuck It (Fuck You)

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

I wonder how it feels
To be entitled to
Friendliness and
Openly offended when
This is not the case…

I wonder how it feels
To have the audacity
To demand this from people
Without knowing their stories…
What makes you think it’s okay,
To ruin my morning with your assumptions
And cruelty?

And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…

~Antanya

Today I had a stranger corner me about my every day behavior, and had to explain my anxiety to them, because she felt like I owed her something. I spent the next hour and a half crying… I wish people could be more understanding, you never know how what you say will affect someone else, or what others are going through. Why couldn’t she just accept a simple “good morning”? I wish it would have been one.


Complex Paradox

When you feel so far,
When your words
Don’t seem real
When your glance slides away,
I feel small and unremarkable,
Disappointing and empty.

When you are not here,
When the dark
Feels so deep,
When I feel so much I can’t say,
I long to show you and be stripped
Of this panic,
This need and desire…
To be swept away.

I try to focus
On my life,
On everything I have
And am grateful for,
But, you are always
Distracting in my periphery…
Endlessly addictive and sensual,
Teasing treaturously.

Your distance is a paradox,
Leaves me in wonderment,
Of an adoration so complex…

~Antanya


Redwood Waves

The wave was the biggest

Crash

I had ever heard of-

I avoid the shore

Still

Walking through the trees-

Filling my lungs with petrichor…

~Antanya


Wonder

The weight of your gravity

Feels immense and ancient,

Like we have danced for ages,

As the stars in the constellations

Swirled and orbited

In the same timeless patterns.

My heart is forever bound

To this ancestral longing,
A glimpse of you stirs my spirit

Into mysterious discovery-

The wonder is the muse.

~Antanya