Priority
Most of my life
I’ve been on the back burner
Still functioning, but only in peripherals
The pretty one
(Like I chose my genetics)
The smart one
(Look this up for me)
The strong one
(You’ll survive)
The good listener
(Even when it’s really none of my business)
There have been moments
When I felt a soul’s connection-
A kindred who saw me
A spark in the dim
A heart to hold hands with
Even that didn’t last…
I am not anyone’s priority, and I am learning to become my own.
Maybe you won’t recognize me
This time.
Washing the Light Away
I love mornings
When the clouds are fiery patches
In the crisp blue of early sunrise,
When thin filaments of silver
Are caught on branches in the glow of low sun, shimmering like tinsel-
When wind bellows through the redwoods and maples,
Swirling red needles and golden leaves,
Autumn’s rustling shower,
When the fat drops hit the windows,
Washing the light away from the season…
Beautiful
I have a strange relationship
With the word “beautiful”.
Now, I know this is
Supposed to be
A compliment,
Is a rite of passage for some-
But, when I am called beautiful,
I seldom feel a lift in mood,
That word puts me on alert…
Every time someone wants something
From me, it always starts with “beautiful”-
As if attraction is an excuse for abuse,
For ignorance of my boundaries, or of my emotional state.
I am not ungrateful that my physical presence is treasured,
Though, I notice…
So many enjoy looking at me,
But the conversation grows stale
When I try to interact,
When I move from a decoration to a soul.
I don’t speak to deaf ears.
I’m not a fucking decoration.
I’m a frustrated woman.
More than beautiful,
Alive.
~Antanya
Entanglement
I fall into awareness,
Presence.
Chills through my limbs
And down my spine…
I see you,
In my mind’s eye-
It’s been a long time
Want to stay,
Safe and welcome-
Send my love,
And hope it catches
A trace of you.
Moth
You are everywhere I am.
I am draped in your presence,
Shivers down my spine
And warmth in my heart…
The rage and sorrow
Intertwine
With love and adoration.
I know the hand that reaches,
And though you beckon
Where I can’t follow,
I am mesmerized by the synergy-
I’ve always been fascinated with flame.
Existential Dread
…And people tell you to follow your dreams, but when you think of dreams, all you see is black, empty nothing, because all you’ve ever hoped for was to make it, and you did, but you didn’t… And what is there to reach for, when all you have energy for is breathing, and when you want to talk, they want to yell, or fight, or fuck, or anything but fucking listen…
I get dramatic when I’m sick and tired…
Forgive me.
I talk to myself,
Because I know
I’m the only one
Who will listen.
My throat
And my fingers ache,
Heavy with the words
I can’t seem to find-
I miss you
So fucking much.
I know that if we
Are truly connected,
You are never really gone…
I see your hand reaching for me,
But all I can do is bleed,
I hear you, calling,
But I can’t speak.
I swallow my feelings
In my dry throat
And wish that I could cry.
I talk to myself,
Because I know
I’m the only one
Who will listen.
Fractured
Iridescent shards
Of my past
Stick in the callouses
On the bottoms
Of my soiled feet,
I try so hard to step
Gently, purposefully-
Then brush the shards
Away from my skin,
Pain persists
And the microscopic
Daggers still embed
Their way into me,
The bloody remnants
Of fear
Leave me raw,
Restless and uncertain-
Lost in me,
Again.
Mercy
I forgive myself,
No longer burdened
With the guilt of past
Loneliness,
Or how we staved it off.
I see now
How I have kept myself
Small,
Folded me into a note
That could fit in your pocket,
Just to feel your warmth.
I forgive myself:
For forgetting
I have my own,
And for seeking it
Elsewhere.
For limiting my
Experience,
Making everything scarce
So that I could see
More of you.
I forgive myself-
I forgive you.
I love myself-
And I love you.
~Antanya
Watercolor
You will always
Find me
Where the light
Fades, melds
Into dark…
Autumnal soul-
Forever diving
Into the galaxies
In my mind,
In your heart…
Watercolor emotion,
Bleeding into black.
The Silence
I miss
The silence
Between our
Nervous words,
The safety
In the rhythm
Of your breath,
The longing to
Reach out,
Reach you…
Before the
Uncertainty
Murdered
The moment,
When the connection
Was almost enough…
I miss
The silence…
Double
As I return to myself,
I return to you.
When I see myself
In a mirror,
You are a double exposure
In the frame.
You are as close as blood…
As I breathe,
I feel your breath.
As I reach,
I can almost
Feel your hand…
A Real Difference
Right wing extremists
Are so stuck in their narrative,
They are tone-deaf to the collective.
Left wing extremists
Have forsaken their boundaries,
They are easy prey to the Universe.
Listen.
Connect.
Have boundaries.
Give a fuck.
Make a real difference.
Mute
The ache
Steals the words
From my tongue,
The pain
Scrapes the memories
Through my brain…
How do you speak
So easily,
Why do I fall silent
When my heart screams?
Start Softly
Hold me,⠀
I will hold you back,⠀
Lay with me⠀
And whisper all of those secrets⠀
We don’t share with anyone else…⠀
I need to be vulnerable⠀
And know that I am safe⠀
Before I can let you in…⠀
Once we have shared enough,⠀
We can let the real fun begin.⠀
⠀
~Antanya
Grief
I read somewhere,⠀
“Grief is love with nowhere to go”.⠀
Today I am full of a love⠀
Not for myself,⠀
That does not include direction,⠀
Only memories…⠀
And I cannot help but think⠀
I am grief.⠀
⠀
~Antanya
Abyss
My heart still reaches
For you- in the dark…
Mind remembers,
The burn- after the spark…
Emptiness does not
Speak to me,
Your substance
Must become
My sustenance.
Want is nothing,
Without the love.
I see you wanting,
But it’s not enough…
~Antanya
Solace
Seeking Solitude
Soothing Song
Of Sirens
Screaming
Me to Sleep
Salacious Storms
Sliding between
Seductive Speculations
Surreal and Sublime
Solace of Serendipity
Healing
The darkness within
Shatters,
The light suffuses
The fissures,
Broken open
To adhere
Pieces of identity,
Intertwined and integral-
Kintsugi of the mind.
~Antanya
Stoic Storm
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t scream
Or struggle,
Or he won’t stop.
Let him get bored…
Be boring,
Stoic.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
Don’t say how
You feel
Or he will
Scream again,
Don’t communicate
So you can have
Peace.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
You can’t change
The choices she makes,
Tell her you’re worried,
But not where he can hear…
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
He will think
You’re weak,
So just take it,
It will be over soon.
He will say it was
Nothing.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And sometimes,
You remember
Harsh voices,
Unwanted hands,
Threats and violence.
Breathe,
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
And you scrape
Your pieces into a pile,
Breathe…
Pick them up
And hold them to your chest…
Breathe…
Mourn for the girl
Who used to be,
The one who hides
Within you still…
Breathe…
Love,
Heal,
Remember,
And Breathe…
Don’t react,
Just breathe…
~Antanya
Bloom
We have been
Singed with frost,
Soaked in rain,
Shredded by wind,
Yet we still remain.
Standing tall,
Unwavering…
Tending the roots,
Pruning back the
Dead wood,
Culling and cultivating,
Until Spring reminds us
To Bloom.
~Antanya
Free With You
I have learned
My addiction
Is to the belonging,
The space you held
Me,
For me,
With me.
Our imaginary escape,
Real within our hearts,
Kept us alive,
Though we both felt
Like death.
I am grateful.
I am hurting.
I am loving.
I am lost.
Again-
And again.
I just want to
Be free,
With you.
~Antanya
Fuck It (Fuck You)
And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…
I wonder how it feels
To be entitled to
Friendliness and
Openly offended when
This is not the case…
I wonder how it feels
To have the audacity
To demand this from people
Without knowing their stories…
What makes you think it’s okay,
To ruin my morning with your assumptions
And cruelty?
And today I wonder
How it feels
To say fuck it
And really feel it,
To not be distracted
Or caught up
In the way I have been
Perceived…
~Antanya
Today I had a stranger corner me about my every day behavior, and had to explain my anxiety to them, because she felt like I owed her something. I spent the next hour and a half crying… I wish people could be more understanding, you never know how what you say will affect someone else, or what others are going through. Why couldn’t she just accept a simple “good morning”? I wish it would have been one.
Complex Paradox
When you feel so far,
When your words
Don’t seem real
When your glance slides away,
I feel small and unremarkable,
Disappointing and empty.
When you are not here,
When the dark
Feels so deep,
When I feel so much I can’t say,
I long to show you and be stripped
Of this panic,
This need and desire…
To be swept away.
I try to focus
On my life,
On everything I have
And am grateful for,
But, you are always
Distracting in my periphery…
Endlessly addictive and sensual,
Teasing treaturously.
Your distance is a paradox,
Leaves me in wonderment,
Of an adoration so complex…
~Antanya
Through the Fog poetry 